“1-800-PROPHCY” • by Michael Haynes

[FADE IN — A man sits on a bed in a dimly lit room, obviously distraught.]

[VOICEOVER]

Are you kept up at night, wondering about the meaning of a cryptic sentence uttered years before you were born? Do you find yourself constantly on the lookout for figures like “the man with twelve toes” or “the woman without a name?” Do you feel trapped, not by a dead-end job or burdensome student loans, but by Fate?

[CUT TO — A brightly lit call center with rows of customer service agents wearing headsets and talking animatedly. GENEVIEVE ARMBRUSTER stands between the rows, smiling at the camera.]

[GENEVIEVE]

You may feel all alone in the world, like no one understands what you’re going through, but did you know that just last year 17,532 prophecies were committed to the Book of Prophecy? And I know you’re thinking, Genevieve, aren't most of those prophecies mundane? Things like, “The next child in your family with blonde hair will improve your family’s fortunes.” You’re right, of course, but a sizable minority are much more consequential.

[GENEVIEVE turns to walk away, then turns back, smiling.] 

And, of course, even a mundane prophecy such as this might seem consequential to you—if you were born with brown hair.

[VOICEOVER]

1-800-Prophcy, founded by Master Sorceress Genevieve Armbruster, has been helping people like you for over two decades.

[PAN TO: Customer Service Agent #1]

[SUBTITLE: Large print. “SIMULATED 1-800-PROPHCY CALL, NOT A REAL CLIENT OR A REAL PROPHECY.”]

[ZOOM IN ON Customer Service Agent #1]

[AGENT #1]

So I understand you’re saying a mystic told your uncle that his sister’s first-born son would have to face down the Dark One. Before we continue, can I confirm that you want to purchase our Platinum Service with your credit card ending in 3216? 

[AGENT #1 pauses, then nods.]

Fantastic. So, the first thing you should do is make sure your uncle understood correctly. You’d be surprised how often there are misunderstandings with prophecies. Do you know anyone named Darke, with a silent “e?”

[AGENT #1 pauses longer, then smiles.]

Your Chemistry professor? And you recently failed a test? Well…

[FADE OUT AUDIO AGENT #]

[VOICEOVER]

And when you do purchase our Platinum Service, you get unlimited around-the-clock assistance. So no matter how many times you need support from our agents, you can always call on us. 

[SUBTITLE: Small print. “Repeat calls on the same day may be deprioritized to better support as many clients as possible.”]

[CUT TO: Customer Service Agent #2]

[SUBTITLE: Large print. “SIMULATED 1-800-PROPHCY CALL, NOT A REAL CLIENT OR A REAL PROPHECY.”]

[AGENT #2]

It’s okay, the isolated island hideout approach is always a bit of a gamble. We thought it was worth a try and you got a good couple years of peace and quiet out there. But now that the person foretold to be your protégé has arrived, let’s focus on the rest of the prophecy and see what we can do to keep you from dying at their hands. First, have you made sure you’ve properly secured any weapons or magical objects on the property?

[A pause, then Agent #2 nods.]

Right, okay, so the cursed sword you inherited from your father definitely falls into both those categories. Let’s see what we can do to help you get rid of that…

[FADE OUT AUDIO AGENT #2]
[ZOOM OUT to show call center]
[PAN to GENEVIEVE]
[SLOW ZOOM IN on GENEVIEVE]

[GENEVIEVE]

At 1-800-Prophcy, we’re here to help you make sense of the prophecy you’ve been given. We’re here to help you make the most of the options available to you when your fate seems dire. And most of all, we’re here for you. For life! And sometimes even beyond…

[SUBTITLE: Small print. “Post-death support requires Diamond upgrade and is only available in select locations.”] 

So don’t live in fear another moment, call us today.

[MUSIC UP]
[CUT TO: 1-800-PROPHCY AD SLIDE.]
[SUBTITLE 1: 10% Discount For the Next 90 Minutes]
[SUBTITLE 2: Prophecy-Busting Agents are Standing By]
[FADE TO BLACK]

---

 

 

An ardent short story reader and writer, Michael Haynes’ debut collection, AT THE INTERSECTION OF LOVE AND DEATH, is available now. His stories have appeared in Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine, Beneath Ceaseless Skies, and other publications. He enjoys photography, cooking, and travel. Find him at http://michaelhaynes.info/.

 

 

 

 

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