Wild Wild West Revisited, Part 1

Like poorly refrigerated leftovers, this plateful of albatross tetrazini keeps coming back up. Therefore, to answer the questions about this project that people keep asking, I’ve exhumed this interview I did in 1999 for a now-defunct magazine. Personally I consider the following to be an outstanding example of a man who, having fallen face-first into a pile of pig manure, is now trying to explain that he wanted to do so and that pig manure is very good for the complexion.

Enjoy!
~brb

January 1999

Q: What is your writing background?

A: You can put me in the "award-winning, critically acclaimed, commercially marginal" pigeonhole. I've been publishing professionally for about 18 years, but mostly I've been doing short stories, so I've remained fairly obscure. Some of my stories are considered to be "important," by people who feel qualified to judge such things, and you can look them up in literary encyclopedia if you feel so inclined.

At the moment I'm generally considered to be a funny, techno, sci-fi kinda guy, owing to the success of my 1995 novel, HEADCRASH, which won some awards and is in print in something like eight or ten languages. But the truth is, I've written and sold in pretty much every contemporary genre except Dreary Lesbian Empowerment Fantasy -- which has been really good for the old artistic ego, but pure Hell on the checking account.

Q. How were you chosen to write the novelization of the Wild Wild West movie?

A. By a chain of causality that could never be duplicated. Wild Wild West is a Warner Brothers movie, so the book rights were kicked over to Time Warner's mass-market books division, where they ended up on the desk of Aspect editor-in-chief Betsy Mitchell. Betsy is both a friend and a fellow fan of the original series, so she called me up and asked if I was interested in working with her on the project, and after looking at the script, I decided I was.

Q. How is a novelization written? That is, did you use the movie script as a blueprint?

A. Well, yes, it starts with the script, of course. But you must realize that a full-length movie script has, at best, about one-third of the content of a full-length novel. (If this sounds odd to you, think of the last novel you liked that got made into a movie, and consider how much of the book *didn't* make it into the movie.)

After that, you need to understand that the script is not Holy Writ. It's merely the starting point from which a collective of actors, directors, cinematographers, and editors begins moving towards the finished product. As the movie develops through casting, budgeting, pre-production, principal photography, effects, etc., etc., the script gets chopped to tiny bits and rearranged again and again, with the result being that the thing that ends up on the screen at your local cineplex may bear almost no resemblance to the original "final" script.

Q. How long did it take you to write the novelization?

A. Geez, that's kind of hard to define. I wrote most of the book in one month of nonstop manic pounding on the keyboard, but before that I put in at least three months doing background research and writing rough drafts of key scenes, and in a sense I'm *still* writing it, as the movie continues to evolve in post-production, and scenes and chapters come back for rewrite. I'm very hopeful that the last rewrite was the definitive one.

Q. Did you have any meetings with the movie's producer, director, or writers? Did you visit the set while the movie was being shot?

A. No, and no. And honestly, while meeting Jon Peters and Barry Sonnenfeld might have been good for my ego, and I certainly could have used a week or two in New Mexico (I live in Minnesota and as I write this, it's *eight* degrees outside), the truth is, such a junket would not have made a material contribution to the book. What I needed to write *this* book was a current script, some photos and sketches of key sets and props, and the private phone number of an assistant producer who could explain everything that wasn't clear from the script and the pictures. These things Peters Entertainment supplied in sufficient quality and kind, and thus I was able to write a successful book.

Q. In what ways will your novelization differ from the movie, and in what ways will it be the same?

A. Same story; different way of telling it.

The cool thing about a movie is that you can use action and excitement to bound gracefully over gaping holes in the plot and yawning chasms in logic and sense -- in short, to slip right past things that, if you were to read them in print, would make you stop short and say, "What the *Hell*?"

Conversely, the cool thing about printed fiction is that you can get deeply into your characters' hearts and minds, detach from real time, and explore what they're thinking and feeling -- in short, to explore the interior life that, if you were to see it on screen, would make you yawn and start wishing for a remote with a fast-forward button.

Given that movies and books are almost diametrically opposed narrative forms, then, it's hard to point out specific similarities and differences. I guess the big point is that the movie concentrates on action, action, ACTION!, while in the book, I get to spend a lot more time exploring West and Gordon's personalities and relationship. For example, there were some really *nice* scenes in the script that explained West and Gordon's histories and went a long way towards developing their characters, but these ran slow on screen and got cut from the movie. (I managed to keep a few of 'em in the book, though.) On the other hand, I can think of one really BIG action scene in the movie that gets short shrift in the book, because -- while there are explosions galore and scads of stunt men flying off springboards and all that -- in the context of the book, the scene doesn't develop the characters, or the plot, or otherwise tell the readers anything they don't already know by this point.

Q. Without breaching your confidentiality agreement, what can you tell us about the plot and characters?

A. Precious little, I'm afraid. The story is set in 1869, at the beginning of West and Gordon's working relationship, and it involves Dr. Loveless and a fiendish plot to overthrow the government. But beyond that -- you would not *believe* how restrictive the language of that contract is.

Q. Have you read the Wild Wild West paperbacks written by Robert Vaughn and published last year (1998) and if so, what is your opinion of them?

A. Yes, and No Comment. Not because I'm a snob, but because there are legal issues I am forbidden to comment upon.

Q. Were you a fan of the TV show during its original run or rerun?

A. I hate to admit that I'm that old, but yes, I was a devoted fan during its original run.

Q. Did you watch any of the old shows in preparation for writing this novelization?

A. No. I've caught the show off and on in reruns over the years, but did not make a special effort to re-watch the show before writing this book. Instead, I watched INDEPENDENCE DAY, MEN IN BLACK (Will Smith's James West is a cross between Capt. Steven Hiller and Agent J...), BLAZING SADDLES (...with just a dash of Cleavon Little...), SILVERADO, A FISH CALLED WANDA (...bet you were thinking of Kevin Kline in the context of IN AND OUT, weren't you?), and I did a bit of Internet research on Kenneth Branagh and Salma Hayek, who, I must admit, looks absolutely *delicious* in a camisole. But as for referencing the old series, well, there wasn't much point in it.

Q. How well would you say that the story of this film fits in with the original series, in terms of such factors as characterization and level of fantasy/believability?

A. I would say that this movie has the same relationship to the old TV series as the Addams Family movie had to that series.

Q. Loyal fans of the TV show have voiced concern that the movie will be unfaithful to the spirit of the TV show. How would you respond?

A. [long, awkward silence]

Well, as I recall -- and feel free to correct me on this -- the original show had *two* distinct spirits. In the early B&W episodes, it was a fairly straight-faced western action/adventure/spy series: James Bond with a Stetson and a Derringer, if you will. But about the same time as the series went to color, it also began to decay into a campy self-parody: James Bond as played by Roger Moore, to continue the analogy. So my first impulse is to answer your question with another question: *which* spirit?

But that's a parry, not an answer. The truth is, I think loyal fans of a series can't help but be disappointed by any movie. This is a *reinterpretation* of the characters and situations they know and love, not a seamless continuation. It's Pierce Brosnan's James Bond as compared to Sean Connery's -- no, wait, that's stretched the analogy past its tensile limit. Make that, it's Michael Keaton's Batman as compared to Adam West's.

Look, at the risk of shattering some cherished illusions, Hollywood studios do not make films from old TV series for the sake of the loyal fans. If they did that, we'd be talking about --

CHANNEL 4 (CBS), 8:00PM: "The Wild, Wild West Rides Again" (1998)

ROBERT CONRAD dons the boots and Stetson one more time as super-cool 19th Century secret agent JAMES WEST comes out of retirement to team up with the son of his old partner, OCTAVIUS GORDON (CHRIS O'DONNELL) as they race against time to keep the beautiful but treacherous daughter of his old nemesis, LUCRETIA LOVELESS (TORI SPELLING) from kidnapping President THEODORE ROOSEVELT (BRIAN DENNEHY) and blowing up the PANAMA CANAL! (SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY!)

-- but as you may have noticed, that's not the movie we're talking about. Instead, we're talking about a Will Smith summer action/comedy vehicle that's aimed at *his* twenty million or so fans, and I think fans of the original series would be well advised to let go of their preconceptions and view it in that light.

Q. Will Smith will star as James West in the movie. The idea of an African-American Secret Service agent just a few years after the end of the Civil War stretches historical accuracy and credibility. Does your novelization address this?

A. To be honest, my initial reaction was that this was one of the goofiest bits of casting I'd ever heard of, second only to the time John Travolta signed to play Jim Morrison in "No One Here Gets Out Alive" (a film which, thankfully, never got past the planning stage). Then I thought about it, and started to do some research...

You know, considering the history of the Negro Cavalry regiments, and of Lafayette Baker's Union Secret Service, the concept of a black cavalry captain turned secret agent does *not* strain credibility. Who better than an ignored and under-estimated "invisible man" to work as a covert op? So that's an idea I did address and work with, though not as much as I would have liked.

On the other hand, if you're going to start dinging Wild Wild West for anachronisms and events that warp credulity beyond recognition, then the race of the actor playing James West is the very least of your problems.

Q. What aspects of the characters of James West and Artemus Gordon most intrigued you from a novelist's point of view?

A. The synergy. You've got two polar opposites here: the two-fisted archetypal Western man of action and the guy who's both a 19th Century "Q" and an ex-actor who's a bit of a toff. They're thrown together against their wills and bring two completely different methods to the case, and yet they have to learn to respect and depend on each other to survive and save the day. It's a great buddy story, about two partners who are still, deep down, both best friends and greatest rivals.

Q. What were the most difficult characteristics to deal with?

A. Actually, the character I had the most trouble with was Loveless. To me, Michael Dunn will always be the definitive Loveless, and I remember him as having a certain cat-like *playful* aspect to his sadism. Kenneth Branagh's Loveless is just plain evil, through and through, as well as vicious and homicidal. It's hard to bring out Jim and Arte's smartalecky fun side when they're fighting a mass-murderer who's marking his trail with corpses.

Q. What genre best fits your book: western, sci-fi, fantasy, or something else?

A. It's a western with sci-fi overtones, although it's not as much of a western as I was hoping for initially.

Q. You seem to be pretty Internet savvy. Have you visited any of the Wild Wild West web sites?

A. I did during my initial research phase. After it became apparent that this movie was a complete reinvention, though, I focused all my attention on the story as Sonnenfeld and company were telling it.

Q. The movie is set for a July 4, 1999 release. When will your novelization be in the bookstores?

A. Assuming Time Warner follows its usual practices, the book should be in the stores about two weeks before the movie opens and gone from the shelves by the second week of August. Movie tie-ins have very short shelf lives.

________________________

 

Sigh. “Movie tie-ins have very short shelf lives.” If only that had proven to be true…

Tomorrow: Part Two! It just keeps getting worse!

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A little something for the weekend?

The 1980s saw the revival of the horror/comedy, a sub-genre Universal pretty much ground into dust in the 1950s with all those Abbott and Costello Meet [Insert Name Here] movies and then beheaded, dismembered, and drove a stake through the heart of in 1966 with The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. Thereafter the sub-genre slumbered fitfully in its coffin for two decades, only to reemerge in the 1980s with An American Werewolf in London.

If you haven’t seen it, An American Werewolf in London is definitely worth watching. (The belated and almost unrelated sequel, An American Werewolf in Paris, far less so.) The practical makeup effects are genuinely shocking, the horror aspects are actually frightening, and the humor in it is not just a succession of gags and cheap double entendres but actually clever. More to the point, it showed what could be done with the genre using modern (by 1980s standards) film making skills, a serious budget, and a good cast.*

[* An aside: John Landis wrote the original script for American Werewolf in 1969, but it took him ten years to find a studio that wanted it. At one point Universal expressed interest but only if he cast Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi as the two lead characters. You may take a moment now to shudder in sheer horror at the thought of what that movie would have been like.] 

In Hollywood nothing succeeds like success, so the critical and commercial success of An American Werewolf in London spawned a flood of new films in the 1980s that tried to find that horror/comedy sweet spot and cash in. Some are painfully unwatchable now: e.g., Transylvania 6-5000. Some have become iconic: e.g., Gremlins, Ghostbusters, or The Lost Boys. Some are weird but interesting: for example, The Hunger, Fright Night, or Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat. (I have often wondered if Charlaine Harris watched Sundown before she came up with Sookie Stackhouse and True Blood, and thought no one would notice if she lifted a few ideas from that old flop.)

By the 1990s the horror/comedy genre had pretty much run its course, leaving us with two terrific but now nearly forgotten 1992 films, Innocent Blood and Buffy the Vampire Slayer—forget the TV series and all its many spinoffs, the original 1992 movie is far better than you remember it being—and one leaden, plodding, late-to-the-party, utterly unfunny turd, Mel Brooks’ Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Along the way, though, the sub-genre also produced one surprisingly pleasant little confection: Once Bitten, starring Lauren Hutton and Jim Carrey.

Yes. That Jim Carrey.

I was dimly aware that this film existed, as it’s been showing up in edited-for-television form on the downmarket channels for years. I’ve seen parts of it before, but never the entire movie, from start to finish, in the theatrical release cut, until recently. 

That was a pity. I’d forgotten that there was a time when Jim Carrey was actually young, fresh, and funny, and not the tiresome and insufferable thing he is now. I’d forgotten that there was a time when a major Hollywood studio could make a movie that was lighthearted, romantic, entertaining, and yet only 94 minutes long. I’d forgotten how Cleavon Little could totally steal a scene just with a single word or a gesture. Most of all, I’d forgotten it was possible to make a movie that was a bit risqué and contained “adult situations” without going either Full Monty or Full Saccharine and Insipid.

The plot, such as it is, is this: Lauren Hutton plays “the Countess,” a 400-year-old vampire who must once a year feed three times on the blood of an adult male virgin in order to keep her eternal youth. The complication is that she’s living in Los Angeles, and in Los Angeles in 1985, adult male virgins are very hard to find. Enter Jim Carrey, as high school senior Mark Kendall, who doesn’t want to be a virgin, but his pretty and wholesome girlfriend, Robin, played by Karen Kopins, is making him wait. So Mark and his two dimwitted high-school buddies hatch up a plan to take a road trip to Hollywood, to see what they can find, and the plot is off and running…

This is not a movie that will change your life. This is not even a movie that tries to be anything more than lighthearted and entertaining for an hour and a half. There is no gore, no violence, no nudity, only a few four-letter words, and the final battle between Robin and the Countess—did I forget to mention that Robin is the hero?—becomes a dance off.

This is also a movie that probably could not be made today, just based on Cleavon Little’s performance alone, and that is so neutered and watered-down in the edited-for-TV version that it’s worth going out of your way to find the theatrical cut. 

Recommendation: a fun movie to stream on a rainy Saturday night. Make popcorn.

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Some ad hoc market research

 

I had some time to kill the other day. Not enough to do anything really useful, but too much time to spend sitting in a waiting room doing nothing, so I did something I haven’t done in more than two years: I went to the nearby shopping mall and spent about an hour browsing around a bookstore.

Now mind you, this is—or at least until two years ago, was—a major suburban “destination” shopping mall, in a large first-tier suburb with a diverse, educated, and fairly affluent population, and the bookstore I went to is one of the last of the huge, major, nationwide chain bookstores. This particular store is so large, in fact, it occupies two floors in a prominent high-traffic corner of the mall and has its own internal staircase and elevator.

The following observations are admittedly unscientific. They are based entirely on the assumption that given the cost of square footage in that mall, the store ownership and management pay close attention to their inventory turns and what’s selling and allocate shelf space accordingly. Since my concern is fiction, I chose to ignore the fact that three-quarters of the store’s space is devoted to non-fiction and periodicals and instead began to count the number of bookcases in the quarter of the store devoted to fiction. 

Breaking it down by numbers of bookcases per genre:

25 - Mysteries & Thrillers
23 - Romance (including Paranormal Romance)*
14 - Manga
12 - General (Mainstream/Literary) Fiction
07 - Fantasy (excluding Harry Potter)**
06 - Science Fiction (including Star Wars)***
03 - Horror
03 - Graphic Novels (non-Manga)
03 - Poetry & Literary Criticism
02 - Black Voices
01 - LGBTQ+ Voices
01 - Westerns

Some observations: 

* It’s interesting that they no longer lump Paranormal Romance together with SF/F but now intermix it with the Harlequin romances et al. This supports my growing belief that there is now very little crossover between the SF/F and Paranormal Romance readerships.

** It’s also interesting that they no longer put Harry Potter in with the rest of Fantasy. Harry Potter is now an industry unto itself, and the books and associated products occupy about eight racks on the other side of the store, between the children’s books and toys and the gaming section.

*** Of the six racks of Science Fiction books, one entire rack is devoted to Star Wars titles. This is actually something of an improvement, as the amount of shelf space formerly consumed by Star Trek books is reduced accordingly. Of the remaining four-and-a-half racks of non-Star Wars / non-Star Trek titles, about half are repackaged reissues of old SF novels that have been given new life in recent movie or TV adaptations. For example, the entire Dune product line has been given new cover art and reissued in new, fatter, and more expensive editions. Which means that as far as new SF novels by new, living, currently working SF authors are concerned…

Well, draw your own conclusions. 

Submitted for consideration and discussion,
~brb 

 

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Creating Alien Aliens, Part 15: If You Put All This Together – How Do You Get A Believable Alien?

Five decades ago, I started my college career with the intent of becoming a marine biologist. I found out I had to get a BS in biology before I could even begin work on MARINE biology; especially because there WEREN'T any marine biology programs in Minnesota.

Along the way, the science fiction stories I'd been writing since I was 13 began to grow more believable. With my BS in biology and a fascination with genetics, I started to use more science in my fiction.

After reading hard SF for the past 50 years, and writing hard SF successfully for the past 20, I've started to dig deeper into what it takes to create realistic alien life forms. In the following series, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned. I've had some of those stories published, some not...I teach a class to GT young people every summer called ALIEN WORLDS. I've learned a lot preparing for that class for the past 25 years...so...I have the opportunity to share with you what I've learned thus far. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Let me know what YOU'VE learned. Without further ado...

HOW Do I Do It?

First: Aliens and Humans HAVE to interact closely; there have to be more aliens than Humans; it needs to be a BROADLY threatening situation.

Second: The function of aliens in science fiction is to explore HUMANS. To do that, they have to interact with Humans and be a metaphor of something profound that I’m trying to say. There has to be humor.

Third: Aliens need to be rational; at the least they have to have a possibility of rational thought. In the Alien franchise, the Xenomorphs aren’t given a chance to show their “Human” side.

Fourth: By changing a single paradigm, Humans can become aliens. For example, are children produced via something called a “uterine replicator” totally normal?

Fifth: You need to answer the question: Is being Human a matter of strict biology, no matter how speculative – or is ‘Human’ more a reflection of thoughts, words, and deeds?

Sixth: It takes effort to think like an alien – sticking tentacles on an alien doesn’t make it ALIEN…until you think about the implications, like “How does this alien play baseball?”

Seventh: Ask yourself: “Why would I want to read about an alien that was so different I couldn’t possibly connect with it in any way?”

Eighth: How does the world look through the eyes of a representative of your alien? Sink into ALTERNATIVE senses and imagine the stories that can happen to your alien characters.

Ninth: Alter a single Human behavior then spend time imagining the impact that single change would have on an alien society. You can start with altering a technology you are familiar with and then playing with the implications – but follow them in all of the implications, not just the ones you want to demonize!

Tenth: How would you REALLY try and communicate with Dolphins, Chimpanzees, Dogs, Cats, Elephants? (No smart aleck-y answers! How would we go about really communicating with them?) Pick one as an exercise…

Eleventh: What if ET were microscopic? How would intelligent microbes sense the world? How would the communicate? (For an excellent treatment of these questions, read THE CHILDREN STAR, (1999) Joan Slonczewski.)

Twelfth: WHY would aliens even consider coming to Earth? What’s a LOGICAL reason for invading? Property. Power. Wealth. Probably not as WE understand it, what would be something we WOULDN’T understand?

Thirteenth: An invasion is only an invasion if someone survives it and names it as such. Is objection or manifest destiny – what other things would drive aliens? To answer the question, I would have to create an alien from their DNA outward.

Fourteenth: While parasitic aliens seem unlikely, is that just our omnivore

orientation speaking? How about an intelligent alien tapeworm that has a host THAT WE FIND ATTRACTIVE? These lovely hosts are about as smart as a dog, certainly not starship builders. I have to look beyond my prejudice of ALL life forms if I’m going to create a believable alien.

Fifteenth: Look at a Human society that you don’t understand at ALL – or even a person from a political party you hate. TRY and look at the world through their eyes…OK keep it simple. Look at some military action the society you don’t understand and see if you CAN understand.

Sixteenth: What do your aliens value: Family? Race? Conformity (not the wimpy “conformity” Americans practice. HARD CORE conformity…)? Ideology? Treatment of children? Make yourself study your culture from that alien POV.

Seventeenth: What is it that makes us Human? Pick ONE thing and twist it hard.

OK – that’s what I have so far. You might want to review the specific essay to get the full gist of what I’ve briefly summarized here. Or just take it, tweak it, and run with it!

From this point on, CREATING ALIEN ALIENS will become an irregular feature. I've shared pretty much everything I can think of. For the rest, check out and read books that have believable aliens in them! If you have questions, just post in the COMMENTS below and I'll do what I can to answer them! Thanks for following along this amusing journey!

Image: https://image.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/alien-human-600w-136457129.jpg

Guy Stewart is a husband supporting his wife who is a multi-year breast cancer survivor; a father, father-in-law, grandfather, foster father, friend, writer, and recently retired teacher and school counselor who maintains a writing blog by the name of POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS (https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/) where he showcases his opinion and offers his writing up for comment. He has 72 stories, articles, reviews, and one musical script to his credit, and the list still includes one book! He also maintains GUY'S GOTTA TALK ABOUT BREAST CANCER & ALZHEIMER'S, where he shares his thoughts and translates research papers into everyday language. In his spare time, he herds cats and a rescued dog, helps keep a house, and loves to bike, walk, and camp. He thinks out loud in print at: https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/

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Creating Alien Aliens, Part 14: Philosophical Ruminations on “What is Human?” and “What is Alien?”

Five decades ago, I started my college career with the intent of becoming a marine biologist. I found out I had to get a BS in biology before I could even begin work on MARINE biology; especially because there WEREN'T any marine biology programs in Minnesota.

Along the way, the science fiction stories I'd been writing since I was 13 began to grow more believable. With my BS in biology and a fascination with genetics, I started to use more science in my fiction.

After reading hard SF for the past 50 years, and writing hard SF successfully for the past 20, I've started to dig deeper into what it takes to create realistic alien life forms. In the following series, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned. I've had some of those stories published, some not...I teach a class to GT young people every summer called ALIEN WORLDS. I've learned a lot preparing for that class for the past 25 years...so...I have the opportunity to share with you what I've learned thus far. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Let me know what YOU'VE learned. Without further ado...

What engineering problems were involved with the Cassini/Huygens mission to Saturn & Titan in order to design an experiment that had to survive the journey, and then the harsh conditions on the surface of Titan?

What are the environmental constraints and engineering imperatives for Venusian colonization imposed by the environment?

All you need to know about space and interplanetary exploration is bottled for easy consumption for writers, space fans, and DIY space vehicle construction (don't try this at home folks) on the internet.

I’ve been a science teacher since I was licensed in 1981. I retired in 2020 – just short of forty years. I’ll continue teaching classes for gifted and talented kids called ALIEN WORLDS…and I make sure my science is as up-to-date as I can make it. When I started teaching the class 26 years ago, there was no such things as the Open Exoplanet Catalogue ( http://www.openexoplanetcatalogue.com/) and my kids had to make up everything from the star-type to the number and types of planets. No more – I make them choose a REAL star system and they have to include the REAL planets that are known to exist.

So, what does this have to do with creating Alien Aliens?

Well, we DO have a fabulous resource. Derek Künsken, whose novel HOUSE OF STYX appeared first in ANALOG Science Fiction and Fact, and will be published as a hardcover in April 2021. It’s incredibly real and intersectional in that the complex, cumulative way in which the effects of multiple forms of discrimination such as racism, sexism, and classism intersect (combine, overlap) in the experiences of marginalized individuals or groups.

Künsken didn’t interest himself in ONLY the physical aspects of Venus and its exploration and colonization, but also in the people who were the colonists. His approach to the Venus is far, far beyond that of, say CS Lewis, Edgar Rice Burroughs or even Ben Bova. The problem of course, is that our understanding of extreme Solar system environments changes daily. Even in my work in progress, I have to read constantly to know what is “current” on Mars; and when or if it’s published, the data will be dreadfully out of date!

But once Humans have been hanging around in the atmosphere of Venus for a few decades…or centuries…or millennia…will they still be Human? Would they be transhuman? The definition of transhuman is “a being that resembles a human in most respects but who has powers and abilities beyond those of standard humans…including improved intelligence, awareness, strength, or durability…and appear in science-fiction…as cyborgs or genetically-enhanced humans.”

What is “Human”? There are 22 of the “best” definitions here: https://www.yourdictionary.com/human. [What about pets? Are they Human? (Be careful who you ask for a comment on this. Interpretations run from “hell no!” to “absolutely yes!” Sometimes even in the same family.)]

Maybe that’s the biggest problem faced by those who are trying to make plans for landing on the surfaces of the various bits of flotsam and jetsam. In my River Universe, Humans have had experience exploring Jupiter – but the engineering here is biological. The Confluence of Humanity has essentially no taboo on the genetic engineering of Humans. But, giving free reign for science to do whatever it feels it should do, has given rise to a backlash. The Empire of Man became an empire of hard technology and created a divide between levels of genetic engineering such that, if you are more that 65 percent Original Human DNA (as defined by the first results of the Human Genome Project in 2003), you are legally Human. If you are NOT 65% or more, you are NOT entitled to the protections and laws of Humanity.

Think about the surface of the Moon. It’s airless, lightless (half the time), and the temperature variation swings from 127 C to -173 C a swing of some 300 degrees. How do you not only dress an astronaut for that, but design MACHINERY for that? What will it take to really, truly colonize Mars? [How long will the colonists remain “human”? What will the standard of “Human” be? That’s what I’m looking at in my River stories…]

We’ve clearly got a reasonable grip on EQUIPMENT surviving on Mars. But what about people? It seems to me that we’ve just assumed that we could plop a colony on Mars, stand back, and let everything develop. But the FACT of the matter is, is that Humans evolved/were designed to live on Earth. Our biology – from our bone structure to our bowels is built to work in what we even call a “standard G”; based on Earth’s gravity of 9.8 m/s2. How will Humans survive, I mean REALLY survive on Mars when gravity there is is 3.7 m/s2 ? How will our digestion work with only .38 g’s pulling the food down – I KNOW some of our digestion comes from peristaltic action – but how much? We only have long-term experience with microgravity (“zero-g”)…How about real reproduction? Can we make babies on Mars; ‘cause if THAT’S a no-go, then true colonization is impossible.

Venus? It has gravity that’s very close to Earth. It may give us some problems, but far fewer than we’d find on Mars, the Moon, or in the Asteroids. A 188 degree temperature swing. It’s famously inhospitable, though Derek Künsken, Sarah Zettel, and others (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_in_fiction), and Zettel postulates that Venus has been colonized by aliens for whom it’s a “good fit”.

How can you design stuff to work reliably under conditions that are so far outside of those needed to sustain Human life? Well, apparently, that’s what scientists and engineers are trying to do. How would you design a rover for Venus? We’ve sent rovers to the Moon, Mars, and even dropped probes to the surfaces of comets and Titan, one of the Moons of Saturn.

Obviously sending Humans to any of those targets would be an entirely different challenge, but engineers are going to need to do it. So, what would a surface probe of Venus look like? Most scientists figure that such an undertaking would be impossible. How could we possibly design anything that would survive those conditions? The heat and pressure alone would destroy anything we made and dropped down to the surface. The RECORD for the survival of Human engineering is 127 minutes for the Russian Venera 13 lander.

Most Venus-explorer types insist that surface exploration is moot. We will need to explore with balloons set adrift in the high atmosphere and perhaps drop gliders…

What if we genetically engineered creatures like, say squirrels or bats or something else we could armor and then let them fly in huge swarms? So designed, would they become “true Venusians”? What if they developed a “swarm intelligence”, would they colonize and own Venus?

What is our definition of “Human”? Are robots Human? Artificial Intelligences? Who defines “Human” and Alien?

Living on Mars: https://lasp.colorado.edu/home/mop/files/2019/08/Humans-Will-Never-Colonize-Mars.pdf, https://futurism.com/mars-colonists-mutation-evolution
Image: https://image.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/alien-human-600w-136457129.jpg

Guy Stewart is a husband supporting his wife who is a multi-year breast cancer survivor; a father, father-in-law, grandfather, foster father, friend, writer, and recently retired teacher and school counselor who maintains a writing blog by the name of POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS where he showcases his opinion and offers his writing up for comment. He has 72 stories, articles, reviews, and one musical script to his credit, and the list still includes one book! He also maintains GUY'S GOTTA TALK ABOUT BREAST CANCER & ALZHEIMER'S, where he shares his thoughts and translates research papers into everyday language. In his spare time, he herds cats and a rescued dog, helps keep a house, and loves to bike, walk, and camp. He thinks out loud in print at: https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/





Image 2: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIWSRIn0aP8R1M7NXFKRKFP1GAJBoTK1DUjXKA5a2b38je1SAeO6Ipni9Osb-wEFra4ic8udTbHT-EeZgzFrzFNSGHlA9Dj4VRzzk_WzA8fBj95qeKmjIpjekqiysmra74pjctiKLrtebF/w150-h200/164054184_900009080544732_2810066332651630100_n.jpg

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Fiction • "It Came From The Slushpile," by Bruce Bethke

Editor’s note: A few days ago Guy Stewart brought it to my attention that there was something of a mystery as to why we’d named the magazine Stupefying Stories. Here, in a sense, is our origin story. This one was first published in the July-August 1987 issue of Aboriginal Science Fiction magazine, then republished in the Best of Aboriginal anthology, and then anthologized and reprinted so many times in the late 1980s and 1990s that I lost track of all its reprint appearances. It was even optioned to be the pilot episode for a proposed Twilight Zone-like TV series, and while the project made it as far as an approved shooting script, the series never went into production.

“It Came From The Slushpile” has been a part of my life for so long I’d forgotten that we’ve picked up a lot of new friends lately, and most of you probably have never seen this one, as I quite likely wrote it before you were born. Therefore, here, for your entertainment, is…

Actually, no. This is not a story. It’s true. It’s all true. This is what it’s like every day here at Rampant Loon Press. Honest.

___________________

 

Original art by Larry Blamire • Used by permission.

The place stank. A queer, mingled stench that only the manuscript-buried offices of fiction magazines know. Groping for the light switch, Rex Manly, the two-fisted editor of Stupefying Stories Magazine, led two junior college interns into the cramped and windowless back office.

“This is the slush pile,” Rex said in his deep, mature voice. “Normally we try to stay on top of it, but our associate editor quit six months ago and we couldn’t afford to replace her. So we’ve let it get a little out of hand.” Rex found the light switch; after a few crackles from a dying transformer, flickery blue fluorescent light flooded the room. Sheila, the tall, willowy, blonde intern, gasped. Janine, the other intern, bit her lip and fought back the tears.

“There are some six thousand unsolicited manuscripts here,” Rex continued. “Of those, six hundred are worth reading, and one hundred worth publishing. At best, twelve suit our current needs and budget well enough to be purchased.

“Your job,” Rex said, as he laid his massive hand on the manila-colored heap, “is to sift through this and find the dozen gems that might be hiding here.” Suddenly, the  stack of manuscripts shifted and began to collapse around him like an erasable bond avalanche. With an agility uncommon in a man his size, Rex leapt clear. “You get half an hour for lunch,” he said calmly, as if nothing had happened. “We see there isn’t a clock in here, so we’ll send someone by at noon to check up on you. Coffee’s in the art department. If you didn’t brown-bag there’s a Burger King up the street.” The two women were still overawed by the Herculean— or rather, Augean—task they faced, and asked no questions. Rex closed the door as he left.

¤
“Ready for lunch yet?” the tall, shapely, brunette asked as she arched her back against the doorframe, and with studied carelessness caught a polished fingernail on the hem of her skirt, tugging it up to expose a flash of silk-stockinged thigh.

“In a minute, Gina,” Rex said to the Art Director, without looking up. “We’ve got a really tough comma fault here we’re trying to nail down.” Gina pouted and sighed heavily, reminding Rex that it was dangerous to leave her with idle time on her hands. “Tell you what,” Rex said. “Do us a favor and tell those two interns working the slush pile that it’s time for lunch, okay?” Without answering, the Art Director turned and sauntered down the hall, her high heels clicking out a seductive Morse code on the terrazzo floor.

This was followed, in short order, by a piercing scream.

Rex vaulted over his desk and ran out into the hall, to find Gina wailing hysterically. Mascara streamed down her cheeks like oil from a leaky rocker-arm cover. “What happened?” he demanded, as he grabbed her roughly.

“You’re hurting my roughly!” she cried. Rex relaxed his grip; Gina sobbed, buried her face in his broad chest, and said, “It’s awful! Terrible! Hideous! Grue—!”

He slapped her. “Excess adjectives!”

Gina shuddered, then regained her composure. “Sheila and Janine, they’re... Oh, it’s too horrible!” A small crowd was gathering around the door of the interns’ office, so Rex helped Gina into a chair and bulled his way through the staffers.

“Does anyone here know—?” He stopped, the question caught in his throat. Sheila and Janine lay on the floor, two crushed, ink-smeared corpses half-covered in manuscripts.

“The slush pile must have imploded,” said Phil Jennings, the Science Fact Editor, who’d slipped through the crowd to stand at Rex’s right elbow. “No one has ever researched the critical mass of unpublished manuscripts. They may undergo gravitational collapse, like a black hole.”

Rex crouched; Phil crouched with him. “But the ink stains,” Rex said softly.

Phil gingerly reached out and touched Janine’s face. “Still fresh,” he said.

“Then at least we’re getting through about using new typewriter ribbons.” Rex stood, resolve giving strength to his voice. “Okay, let’s get them out of there. Jerry, Dave,” he pointed to two of the keyliners, “get in there and get their feet. Phil, take Sheila. We’ll take Janine.” Cautiously, the two keyliners waded into the office, but before they’d gotten more than ankle-deep they both slipped and fell on the erasable bond. “Are you okay?” Rex called out.

“Think so,” answered Jerry, who was closest to the center of the heap, “but there’s something funny going on here. My foot’s caught on something.”

“Oh my God,” Dave gasped.

Behind Jerry, a large, white- and black-speckled pseudopod was slowly extruding from the slush pile. “Phil?” Rex asked calmly, his voice belying the cold horror he felt. “What do you make of that?”

Phil leaned forward, squinted, took off his glasses and cleaned them on the tail of his shirt, put them back on, and then squinted again. “Hard to tell from this distance,” he said softly, “but it looks like a plagiarization of an old Twilight Zone script.”

“What are you...?” Jerry rolled around and caught a glimpse of the thing slithering up behind him. His scream catalyzed the rest into action.

“Give me your hand!” Rex bellowed as he leapt into the room. In moments he’d wrenched Dave free and pushed him out the door, but by then the pseudopod had Jerry and was drawing him deeper into the pile. “Someone find a rope!” Rex shouted. Fighting for balance, he waded in deeper. Jerry clawed for him like a drowning man; their fingers touched briefly, and then Rex lost his footing and went down.

“Hold on, Rex!” Phil shouted. He pulled out his butane lighter, set it to High, and charged in, wielding the lighter like a flaming sword. With four wild slashes, he freed Rex.

“Now for Jerry!” Rex bellowed.

“Too late!” Phil screamed. Rex plowed back into the manuscripts, while Phil tried to stave off the advancing pseudopodia, but a sixty-page rewrite of Genesis 5:1-24 rose up and slapped the lighter out of Phil’s hand. Then the slush pile began building into a great wave that towered over them. “Rex! Get out!” Phil yelled as he dove headfirst through the doorway. Reluctantly, Rex followed. “Shut it!” Phil shouted. Most of the staffers had already run away, and those who remained were paralyzed with fear, but one of the freelance book reviewers still had something of his wits left about him and he pulled the door shut, just as the heap smashed against it with a great soggy thump.

Rex sagged against the wall. “Jerry,” he said softly. “Oh, Jerry, we’re sorry.”

Dabbing her eyes with a Kleenex, Gina gave Rex a consoling hug. “There’s nothing you could have done,” she said.

Resolve flooded back into Rex, and he began issuing commands. “You there,” he barked, pointing at the surviving production crew. “Find something to barricade this doorway.”

“Phil!” he snapped. “What is that thing?”

Phil took off his glasses, chewed the earpiece for a bit, and then shrugged and said, “Beats the Hell out of me.”

“We pay you two hundred dollars a month for Science Facts,” Rex growled, “and all you can say is—”

“Hey, I only minored in Biology!” Phil said defensively. “I majored in Philosophy. You want a philosopher’s guess about it?” Rex said nothing, so Phil continued. “Okay, here’s the hard sci-fi guess: It’s a cellulose lifeform that mimics manuscripts for protective coloration. Maybe it’s symbiotic with that scuzzy blue mold that grows in old coffee cups. Kathryn was always leaving half-empty cups in there.”

Rex shook his head. “Too 1940-ish. Old hat.”

“Okay,” Phil said.  “Here’s the philosophical guess. It’s divine retribution for letting manuscripts sit for six months.”

“We never buy theological fantasy.” Rex thought a moment more, then reached a decision. “It doesn’t matter where it came from. The question is, what do we do about it?”

“Get more lighters,” the book reviewer said. “Torch the sucker.”

“We’d rather not,” Rex said. “This building’s a firetrap.”

“Let’s lure it into the paper cutter,” Gina suggested. “Do a Conan on it. Fight hacks with hacks, I say.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Phil answered. “It’s extremely amorphous. It may even be a colony organism. Cut it in half and we may well end up with two monsters.”

“Do you have a better idea?” Rex asked.

“I think we should attack its component parts,” Phil said. “If we can disperse them, we might destroy its will to exist.”

“Huh?” said Gina.

“We must reject it,” Phil said portentously. “Reject every last piece of it.”

“I know where there are some rejection slips!” the book reviewer shouted. He dashed over to the managing editor’s office, and in moments returned bearing two fistfuls of paper.

Rex took one, and pushed the other into Phil’s hands. “If it gets past me...,” Rex began. Phil nodded.

“Oh, be careful!” Gina sobbed, as she hugged Rex.

“Easy, kid,” he said coolly. “You’re getting mascara on my shirt.” Then he looked to Phil. “Ready?” Phil nodded.

Luckily, the staffers Rex had sent running to find barricade materials had simply kept running, so all he had to do was kick open the door, step into the breach, and start passing out the slips. In seconds, though, it became obvious that something was terribly wrong. Instead of being driven back, the thing was surging forward, swelling, growing. It even formed a pseudohead and started catching the slips on the fly, like a spaniel jumping for Doggie Snax. “What the Hell?” Phil wondered aloud. Then he looked at the slips he held:

---

STUPEFYING STORIES

Dear Writer,
      Thanks for showing us the enclosed manuscript. We’ve read it and are sorry to say we do not think it’s quite right for Stupefying at this time. Please don’t regard this as a reflection on the quality of your work; we receive a great many publishable stories but simply don’t have the space to print every one we like.

      Because of the great number of submissions we receive, we cannot make more specific comments. But again, thanks for giving us the opportunity to consider it, and we hope you find a market for it elsewhere.

      Cordially,
      Rex Manly
      Editor  

---

“Rex!” Phil screamed. “Get out of there! “You’re encouraging it!” Rex hastily backed  out of the room; the thing followed him, swirling around his feet and emitting happy yipping sounds. When it realized Rex had gotten away, it began hurling itself furiously at the door, and it took both Rex and Phil to hold the door closed.

“What went wrong?” Rex demanded. “Analysis, Mister Jennings!”

“We need something colder and blunter,” Phil answered. “We need to stun it, depress it, crush its ego.” The thing built up into another great wave and crashed against the door; this time the book reviewer had to throw his shoulder into it, too. “And soon!” Phil shouted.

“The previous editor used slips like that,” Rex said. “Can you hold the door while we look for some?” Not waiting for an answer, Rex sprinted back to his office and began rummaging around in the filing cabinets.

“I hate working on spec,” the book reviewer said.

In a few minutes, Rex returned. “These are all we could find,” he said. “Will they do?” Phil took one and read:

---

STUPEFYING
Stories and Science

Dear Contributor,

We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider it.

The Editors

---

“It might,” Phil said. “It just might.”

With Gina’s help, Rex laid out a semi-circle of rejection slips in front of the door. When the last one was in place, he yelled, “Now!,” and Phil and the book reviewer leapt clear. The door burst open with a violence that nearly tore it from its hinges, and the disgusting, pulsating mass slithered forward, found the first rejection slip, paused...

“It’s working!” Phil crowed. The slush pile shuddered, drew back slightly, and began whimpering. This quickly built into a spastic quivering, and the pile began sloughing off return envelopes and loose stamps.

“Is it dying?” Gina asked.

Phil wiped the perspiration from his glasses, peered closely at the trembling hulk, and said, “I’m not sure.”

“I’ll show you how to make sure!” the book reviewer shouted, as he ran up the hall. “We give it the coup de grace!” He found a typewriter, cranked in a sheet of letterhead, and began frantically clacking away.

“What are you doing?” Gina asked.

“What I do best,” the book reviewer said with a wicked grin. “Crushing an ego.” He finished the letter, yanked it out of the typewriter, and ran back to show it to the others. “One look at this, and it will shrivel up and die!”

“A bit strong, don’t you think?” Rex observed. It read:

---

STUPEFYING STORIES

Dear Talentless Hack,

Were you by chance going to the town landfill on the same day that you mailed your manuscript? We ask because it appears that you got confused, discarded your story, and mailed us your garbage instead.

In the future you may save yourself postage by simply not submitting to us at all. We will be watching for your name; rest assured that we will never forgive you for attempting to foist this load of pathetic crapola off on us.

With malice aforethought,
The Editors

---

“I’m not so sure this is a good idea,” Phil said.

“Nonsense,” the book reviewer countered. “I’ve done this a thousand times. Just watch.” He slipped the letter under the nearest edge of the slush pile; within seconds, the thing was smoking, shaking, and letting out hideous groans. “You see?” the book reviewer said smugly—and in less time than it takes to describe it, the slush pile rose up, quivering and roaring, and squashed him flatter than a thin-crust pizza.

“Good God!” Rex shouted. “That only enraged it! Run!” he shouted, as if Gina and Phil needed instructions.

The thing surged down the hallway after them, bellowing angrily and engulfing chairs, desks, ashtrays—anything that stood in its way. There was no plan to their flight, only sheer adrenalin panic, and so they wound up dashing into the Art Department two steps ahead of the thing. Phil slammed the door in its pseudoface; sinews straining, Rex held the door shut while Phil tipped over a few filing cabinets and pushed them together to form a barricade.

Frustrated, the pile drew back and threw itself against the door with all its force. Miraculously, the filing cabinets held. “Well, we’re safe for now,” Phil said, between gasps. “It can’t get in.”

“Just one problem,” Rex noted. “We can’t get out, either.” The three of them looked around. There was indeed no other way out: no window, no door, no conveniently large air duct...

“We’re trapped!” Gina wailed.

“Get a grip on yourself!” Rex shrieked. “This is no time for hysteria!”

“I’m trapped in a dead end by a monster that wants me for lunch!” Gina sobbed. “Can you think of a better time?”

“She’s right, Rex,” Phil said softly. “Sooner or later that thing will realize it can just ooze around the barricade. We’re done for.” He took off his glasses and slowly, mournfully, began to clean them on his shirt tail one last time.

“NEVER!” Rex bellowed, finding his full imperative strength at last. “We do not buy stories that end in futility!

“Look at us!” he commanded, as he stalked about the room, gesturing wildly. “What are we? Three people trapped in a blind alley by an unstoppable monster? No! We are three archetypes! The brilliant, scientific, nearly omniscient mind! The curvaceous, screamy, eminently rescuable heroine! The aggressive, dynamic, mightily thewed hero! We have an obligation to beat that thing!

“You! Phil!” he ordered. “Go discover something! Me! I!” Rex paused, stunned with the realization that he’d dropped his editorial plural. “I’ll think of an ingenious plan to take advantage of whatever you discover. And Gina? You—” Rex sat down, and grumpily put his chin in his palm. “Aw hell, go make some coffee or something.”

As the weight of his new responsibility settled onto Phil, he sat up alertly and said, “Listen! It’s stopped!” Rex’s ears perked up; the thing had indeed stopped hammering at the barricade. Phil crept to the door and peered out. Rex followed, and saw the quiescent beast  lying in the hall.

“Is it dead?” Rex asked hopefully.

“Do archetypal monsters ever die?” Phil answered scornfully. “It’s dormant, of course.”

“So now would be the perfect time to strike?”

“If we had a weapon,” Phil agreed.

“We’re out of coffee,” Gina said. “Will tea do?” She held up a Salada tea bag.

Rex snatched the tea bag out of her hand. “Of course!” he cried, the light of inspiration burning fiercely in his eyes.

“Didn’t know he liked tea so much,” Gina muttered.

“Don’t you see?” Rex shouted, holding up the tiny paper tag on the end of the string. “Gina, honey, can you reduce our logo and make it fit on this?”

“Well,” she said dubiously, “normally it’d take a week to keyline and shoot the stats, but I think—”

“Don’t think! Do!” He spun around. “Phil! Help me with our paper stock. I want something truly obnoxious. Fluorescent Yellow will do, Blaze Orange would be better! And find some glue sticks! Lots of glue sticks!” Rex started dumping boxes on the floor and searching through the resulting heap.

“What—?” Phil started to ask.

“We,” Rex said proudly, “are going to create the ultimate rejection slip. One that crushes all hope, destroys all incentive, leaves no room for doubt, argument, or interpretation—”

“Well, we’d better hurry,” Phil said ominously. “I don’t know what it’s doing out there, but I’m sure I won’t like it when I find out.”

¤

An hour later, they were nearly ready. They’d had to modify the design slightly as they went along to suit the materials at hand, but the result—

—on a postage-stamp-sized slip of Neon Lime Green stock, was coming off the copier. “Remember,” Rex was saying, “we hit it hard, hit it fast, take no prisoners—”

“And we hit it soon,” Phil added, as he peered out the door. “I’ve figured out what it’s doing. It’s metastasizing.”

Rex stopped short.  “What?”

“Look at it,” Phil said. “Those lumps all over its back; they’re buds. It’s getting ready to reproduce.”

“Good grief,” Rex gasped. “You mean, we’ll have more of those things?”

“Worse,” Phil said pensively. “If I’m right, in its larval stage it takes the form of an unsolicited manuscript. In a few minutes this place is going to be crawling with stories: thousands, maybe tens of thousands, of stories. Stories about flying saucers, deals with the devil, time travelers killing their grandparents.” The panic began to rise in Phil’s voice. “Evil galactic empires, sexy Celtic witches, sentient dragons, killer robots disguised as toasters.” Phil was bordering on total hysteria now.

“Rewrites of the Old Testament! Star Trek ripoffs! Twenty-first Century Barbarians!

“Rex!” Phil screamed. “There are enough post-Apocalyptic nuclear holocaust stories in there to wipe out this entire solar system!”

“Gina!” Rex growled. “Hurry up with those slips!”

“Be patient!” Gina snapped. “You can’t rush quality work!”

“Omigod!” Phil yelped, his face ashen. “They’re hatching.”

“Gina!” Rex barked. “I need those slips and I need them now!”

“Hold your damn horses. They’re just about ready...”

¤

Even with ten years’ experience in hand-to-hand fiction editing, the fifteen minutes that followed were the most ghastly Rex had ever lived through. Armed with the new rejection slips, he, Gina, and Phil waded into the heart of the beast, tearing open envelopes and slapping down tags. Gluing them to the manuscripts, to force retyping. In an odd way the process had a familiar feel, as if they were driving thousands of little stakes through thousands of tiny vampires’ hearts.

It was a grisly job, but at last, they were done. “It’s harmless,” Phil pronounced. “We’ve destroyed its will to live.”

Rex brushed aside a pile of spent glue sticks and collapsed into a chair. “Did we get it all? All?”

“Here’s one we missed!” Gina called out, as she crouched on her hands and knees and peered under the receptionist’s desk. She fished out the manuscript and read aloud, “It Came From The Slushpile, by some guy I’ve never heard of.”

“Ugh!” Phil spat. “Sounds like a bad ’50s sci-fi movie.”

“I don’t know,” Gina countered. “Listen to this. ‘The place stank. A queer, mingled stench that only the—’”

“That’s the opening of John Campbell’s Who Goes There?,” Rex said wearily. “At least he plagiarizes from a good source.”

“So you don’t want to read it?” Gina asked. Rex answered her with a sneer more eloquent than any words.

“Okay,” Gina shrugged, as she dabbed some glue on a rejection slip and prepared to slap it down.

But then, she hesitated...

¤   ¤   ¤   ¤

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A little something for the weekend?

Recommended watching, maybe.

The DC Cinematic Universe has a well-deserved reputation for being a gigantic dumpster fire. While there have been a few worthwhile movies to come out from Warner Bros. in recent years, in general, movies based on DC comic book properties are just not in the same league as the competing Marvel/Disney products or even the Marvel/Sony products. The reason for this at first seems a mystery. Is the Marvel cinematic universe really that much richer? Why, this is DC we’re talking about! They have Batman and Superman, and… and Batman, and Superman, and yet another reboot of Batman, and some more Superman…

And then all those other guys.

It seems a shame that so many other good characters are so completely overshadowed by the Big Blue Boy Scout and the grumpy guy in the cave. If you haven’t yet seen Aquaman, you should consider it: it’s easily the equal of any of Marvel’s standalone Thor movies. Definitely see Wonder Woman, and Wonder Woman 1984 is actually much better than the reviewers said. After that, another one worth tracking down is Shazam!, as it’s a lot of fun, and isn’t that what a comic book movie is supposed to be? Fun? (Okay, we’ll leave Dredd out of the conversation for now.)

But after that…well, then we’re down to all those “other guys,” and that brings us to Harley Quinn and The Suicide Squad. 

The 2021 movie The Suicide Squad fits into an awkward place in the DC Cinematic Universe. To begin with, it has almost the same title and many of the same characters as the 2016 bomb. Suicide Squad, so it’s starting out with a major disadvantage. 

Secondly, the focal character is Harley Quinn, as played by Margot Robbie, and it follows hot on the high heels of her playing the same character in 2020’s Birds of Prey, which was just plain awful in just about every way that it’s possible for a movie to be bad.

[Maybe Birds of Prey would have been better if they’d given Harley a tank to drive and some mutant kangaroos to pal around with. It certainly looked as if that was what they were trying to do.]

As concerns The Suicide Squad, though, the good news is that you can completely ignore both Suicide Squad and Birds of Prey. There is zero continuity between the three movies. Pretend that the previous two movies never existed. I’m sure there are plenty of people at Warner Bros. who feel the same way.

The better news is that while Harley Quinn remains the focal character, Margot Robbie doesn’t have to try to carry the entire film herself, as she did in Birds of Prey. She is surrounded by an excellent supporting cast.

The best news is that Warner/DC apparently gave writer/director James Gunn permission to go really deep into DC’s giant cesspool of “other guys” and to do whatever he wanted with them, and he turned up some true delights. Idris Elba as Bloodsport? (Will Smith wasn’t available to return as Deadshot; no great loss. Elba is much better.) Sylvester Stallone as King Shark? Nathan Fillion as The Detachable Kid? Peter Capaldi as Thinker? David Dastmalchian as The Polka-Dot Man? (One of the more ludicrous super-villains in DC’s pantheon.) Starro the Conqueror? Above all, John Cena as The Peacemaker—and he was so good in the role he got his own spinoff TV series on HBO Max, which is getting great reviews and has just been renewed for a second season.

Be forewarned, though, this movie is not merely violent; it’s ultra-violent. It’s Deadpool-level violent. It is so over-the-top violent the violence itself becomes cartoonish and ludicrous. So this is not a movie for the squeamish or to watch with your young children. 

But if the violence doesn’t bother you, then The Suicide Squad is well-made, well-cast, well-acted, and just all the way around a great big, loud, colorful, noisy, impossible, and at times laugh-out-loud mess. It’s got action, excitement, plot twists, villains who think they’re heroes, heroes who turn out to be villains, villains who actually are heroes in the end, and it climaxes with an enormous boss fight that puts the final battles in pretty much every other recent DC or Marvel movie to shame.

Isn’t that exactly what you want from a comic book-based movie? 

 

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How to succeed with Kindle Vella • by Henry Vogel

 

In April of 2021, Amazon announced a new publishing platform called Kindle Vella. Even though the platform has been live since July 13, 2021, many writers have questions about Vella. What is it? How does it work? Can writers make any money from it?

For those who don’t feel like reading the rest of this column, the short answers are ‘a serial fiction platform,’ ‘oddly,’ and ‘I have.’ If you’d like more details, read on.

» Link to the rest of Henry’s column on the Mad Genius Club site

_________________

Read the books that spawned the series!

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Goodbye, Melissa Mead

 

Frequent contributor Melissa Mead passed away last night. It was a pleasure to get to know her through her fiction. Until she sent us “I Don’t Hate Tiny Tim. Really!” I had no idea what her real life was like, as unlike most writers, she was always strangely reluctant to talk about herself. She preferred to talk about her stories and other writers. 

Rather than say more, I will turn the microphone over to her sister, Cindy.

______________

My oldest sister, Melissa Mead, passed away peacefully this evening at 8:43pm… my parents, sister and I were all able to be by her side tonight thanks to an incredible hospital staff. We were beyond blessed to have the past 12 days to visit one on one and talk… share stories, fears, questions, laughs, hugs and a lot of love.

Thank you for all of the prayers and thoughts, they were much appreciated by all of us.

For those of you who don’t know Missy as well… she was the strongest, smartest and kindest person I know. She was born fighting at only 2lbs with cerebral palsy… beat odds and shattered misconceptions and stereotypes throughout her life. Backed by the most incredible parents in the world she was the first disabled child to be mainstreamed at Shenendehowa, paving the way for a future of inclusion and education. She and my dad helped make Clover Patch Camp into a place where children with disabilities could learn, grow and experience nature. She went on to earn a bachelors and a masters degree from SUNY Albany, of course with high honors all while once again beating impossible odds and fighting what should have been a lethal case of autoimmune hepatitis. Nothing ever stopped her or got her down… she lived a life of humbled success, drove her own van, owned and lived in her own house all while being a published author and very well respected science fiction writer. Even while at the hospital her focus was always on everyone else being okay, she spent her life trying to make the world a better place when it already was just because she was in it. I have watched her in awe since the day I was born, and I will continue to strive to be more like her every day. Nothing is the same without her, but I’m at peace knowing everything was amazing because of her.

______________

If you’re on Facebook, you’ll find Melissa’s page here: https://www.facebook.com/MelissaMeadCL, and can post a note there. In her author’s bios, she always listed https://carpelibris.wordpress.com/ as her blog site. It’s a group blog, and I’m a bit surprised to find that her last post was a plug for the New Year’s story she wrote for us, “That Darn, Dear Cat.”

Personally, I’d like to point you to “Time Machines” on Daily Science Fiction, as she wrote it for our For Sale, Used Time Machine contest, but sold it there. 

Melissa was a bright talent. She will be missed.

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Email address update

Because Microsoft Exchange continues to play hob with the RampantLoonMedia.com email addresses—email sent to any of the RLP addresses might get through, or it might end up diverted to the Spam, Trash, or Junk mail folders, or it might simply disappear; there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to how Exchange sorts incoming email (and it now appears to be filtering outgoing email, too)—I have created a backup email account: StupefyingStories@gmail.com. If you are trying to contact me/us, use this one, at least for now.

Please do NOT take a guess at my personal email address and send email to brucebethke@gmail.com or bruce.bethke@gmail.com. Whoever those people are, they are NOT me. I have no idea what happens to messages sent to those accounts, but they do not get through to me, and if you have received email from either of those accounts, that also is not coming from me. 

—Bruce Bethke

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Creating Alien Aliens, Part 13 B: Iconic Alien vs Iconic Human, and How China and India Fits Into Creating Alien Aliens…

Five decades ago, I started my college career with the intent of becoming a marine biologist. I found out I had to get a BS in biology before I could even begin work on MARINE biology; especially because there WEREN'T any marine biology programs in Minnesota.

Along the way, the science fiction stories I'd been writing since I was 13 began to grow more believable. With my BS in biology and a fascination with genetics, I started to use more science in my fiction.

After reading hard SF for the past 50 years, and writing hard SF successfully for the past 20, I've started to dig deeper into what it takes to create realistic alien life forms. In the following series, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned. I've had some of those stories published, some not...I teach a class to GT young people every summer called ALIEN WORLDS. I've learned a lot preparing for that class for the past 25 years...so...I have the opportunity to share with you what I've learned thus far. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Let me know what YOU'VE learned. Without further ado...

Like I said last week: “Let’s start with China first – and we no longer have to wonder what an alien society would be like…let’s start with naming TEN ways China and the US are different (and if you’re really brave, name TEN ways India is different from the US and different from China (20 things in total)…”

I just figured out that might take years. So I’m going to look at one difference and poke at it a bit.

How are the US and China different? This is one that fascinates me – and it may just be me, but it’s a clear image of how alien that culture is to Western culture.

I'll go with a science fiction alien society to start my thinking. I don’t know CJ Cherryh, but in her FOREIGNER series, she’s taken the Humans and the Atevi and changed one, small fundamental factor and then allowed that factor to propagate through the Atevi civilization and then showed how that one different assumption could drive not only a series of 20-plus novels, sparking endless conflict in the books, but also still forces me to struggle with understanding the Atevi.

The Atevi don’t “love”, they have “associations”.

Atevi and Ateva don’t love each other – they are part of an association that may or may not shift over the course of a marriage. Children don’t love their parents, they are part of the parent’s association – which may or may not survive through childhood. Even their "horses" don’t love. They have man'chi or "association" with  a rider they have come to respect because they held firm when the animal challenged them. They respond to a strong leader by migrating to that association. A rider doesn’t coddle their horse (technically, macheti), he or she forces them to acknowledge that the Atevi or Ateva is the LEADER. Then the other macheti will follow that leader.

What does this have to do with the US and China; what does it have to do with an alien worldview?

It’s a 2022 Olympic observation: men and women who are citizens of other countries – many even born there – are celebrated as “Chinese” for their ethnicity. They are Chinese FIRST and Americans or Canadians or whatever during the Olympics – more than half of the “Chinese” hockey team come from North America. But China “identifies” them as Chinese and celebrates “its” victories as if they had raised, trained, and supported these athletes since birth.

Have you ever heard how cuckoo birds reproduce? Female cuckoos don’t make their own nests. They lay their eggs in the nest of other birds, who incubate the eggs. The baby cuckoos hatch before most birds do – then they shove the legitimate babies out and take over. And they are sometimes twice as big as their “mothers”…hmmm. But how can I FAULT that? Is this an...association with the Chinese worldview? It’s effective and really, none of my business, is it, China is undeniably a growing country.

Culturally China and the US are as different as they can get. For example, the US “celebrates diversity” at least it’s working toward being a culture that does that, and we continue to move in that direction. Our movement toward diversity is the polar opposite of Chinese culture, which values and honors conformity. China’s mantra might as well be “Everyone the same, difference is not only abhorrent, but incomprehensible.

It’s one of the reasons China has become militant about Hong Kong and Taiwan. The two countries DO NOT conform. Maureen F. McHugh wrote CHINA MOUNTAIN ZHANG, published in 1992 (she’d actually lived and studied in China…) and after a recent re-read, it's a perfect combination of Human and alien – with the main character trying to live in two worlds. This dichotomy is also well illustrated in the movie “Crazy Rich Asians” – American culture and Chinese culture are fundamentally different. The main character was born in China, but raised in the US. Her mother makes a clear point that while she may LOOK Chinese, SHE IS NOT. Her best friend even calls her a “banana” and then starts to explain it.

The estrangement of our two world views was obvious in a recent gold medal won by an American skier…for China.

We cry “foul!”, they whisper “Victory…” How? They are ALIEN…

China long ago gave up any connection with other Asian cultures – Japan, and the Koreas, as well as driving out the intractable Hmong culture and the current campaign to eradicate the Uyghurs. My son was stationed in South Korea for four years with his family. His children attended KOREAN SCHOOLS from kindergarten onward and both spoke fluent Korean; my grandson was an excellent interpreter between his parents and anyone else they interacted with (living off base in a Korean apartment complex). In the course of writing a short story and after spending a month there and touring countless museums, I discovered why China is loathe to provoke a conflict with either Korea – NOT because they would lose. Their armies would roll over both Koreas without pause. But such a war would mean that refugees would flee...to China – and to the Chinese there ARE no other cultures; there ARE no other languages. The Chinese consider Koreans, essentially not-human which is the same thing as “not Chinese”. Citizens of Hong Kong and Taiwan are also NOT Chinese, perceived as more Western than Chinese. (Beijing Billionaires however, seem to be exempt…)

A former student of mine taught in China for almost ten years – he and his Chinese wife have two children. He and their kids would ever be considered Chinese in any way, and if he and his wife died, the children would likely be abandoned, effectively executed because they are aliens to the Chinese culture.

China is an alien civilization in everything except that they look Human.

They neatly fit the definition of ‘alien’ above. They have an different written language, and have an entirely alien way of spoken communication: a single Chinese word can have at least three different meanings dependent entirely on the TONE with which it is spoken – not just an “angry” or “sweet” or “indifferent” tone; rather a high, middle, and low tone. Traditional Chinese is written top to bottom, right to left, while modern Chinese is typed and read left to right, as English is.

The philosophy of today’s China: “Chinese philosophy never developed the concept of human rights…by the time of the Xinhai Revolution in 1911, there were many calls…to completely abolish the old imperial institutions and practices…incorporate[ing] democracy, republicanism, and industrialism…Mao added Marxism, Stalinism, Chinese Marxist Philosophy...the Chinese Communist Party [denounced] previous schools of thought…as backward, and later even purged during the Cultural Revolution…

"Religion…Spiritual and philosophical institutions [were] re-established, as long they are not perceived to be a threat to the power of the CPC [and] are heavily monitored.”

The Chinese are aliens as far as Western thought and behavior exist on Earth. And Chinese Communism is entirely different than Western Russian Communism because of the alien world view of the Chinese mind: [Abhishek Mohanty, Junior Research Associate German-Southeast Asian Center of Excellence for Public Policy and Good Governance]: “Russian Communism advocated a workers' revolution, while Chinese Communism refocused its philosophy toward a peasant revolution. The former also proposed coexistence with capitalism, while the latter refused that notion and remained aggressive toward the US as its imperialist enemy…Chinese Communism shifted to market socialism…China provides its citizens with more freedoms and modifies its economic policies to be more favorable towards foreign trade.” Conflict is inevitable despite the chummy face currently being projected.

So, what does this mean to me as a writer?

It means that we have aliens here that I don’t understand – and that are a serious resource if I’m willing to read and think and consider. My current work in progress has forced me to look at a simple pair of characters – one is Human, the other a sort of bird. It has forced me to ask myself how the two characters would respond in EVERY PARAGRAPH, because I can’t assume that a Human and a Galeborne see the same thing – I can’t even assume they EXPERIENCE THINGS THE SAME WAY.

I have a murder scene; and I also found out that birds can hardly smell anything – but their eyesight is incredibly ADJUSTABLE…how does that affect a simple crime scene investigation?

You’d be startled…

Image: https://image.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/alien-human-600w-136457129.jpg

Guy Stewart is a husband supporting his wife who is a multi-year breast cancer survivor; a father, father-in-law, grandfather, foster father, friend, writer, and recently retired teacher and school counselor who maintains a writing blog by the name of POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS (https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/) where he showcases his opinion and offers his writing up for comment. He has 72 stories, articles, reviews, and one musical script to his credit, and the list still includes one book! He also maintains GUY'S GOTTA TALK ABOUT BREAST CANCER & ALZHEIMER'S, where he shares his thoughts and translates research papers into everyday language. In his spare time, he herds cats and a rescued dog, helps keep a house, and loves to bike, walk, and camp. He thinks out loud in print at: https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/



Image 2: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIWSRIn0aP8R1M7NXFKRKFP1GAJBoTK1DUjXKA5a2b38je1SAeO6Ipni9Osb-wEFra4ic8udTbHT-EeZgzFrzFNSGHlA9Dj4VRzzk_WzA8fBj95qeKmjIpjekqiysmra74pjctiKLrtebF/w150-h200/164054184_900009080544732_2810066332651630100_n.jpg

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