The Never-ending FAQ • 21 August 2024

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Never-ending FAQ, the constantly evolving adjunct to our Submission Guidelines and general-purpose unfocused Q&A session.  If you have a question you’d like to ask about Stupefying Stories or Rampant Loon Press, feel free to post it as a comment here or to email it to our submissions address. I can’t guarantee we’ll post a public answer, but can promise every question we receive will be read and considered.

Eschewing our usual Q&A format this week…

Ever since last week’s column, in which we tackled the big question, What’s going on with Stupefying Stories magazine?, there has been a lot of discussion going on behind the scenes. In particular, the announcement that we were planning to drop the idea of doing “theme” issues and intermix the stories we’d accepted for the “Clankalog,” “Cyberpunk 2.0,” and “Heroes” theme issues into Stupefying Stories issue 27 through 30 provoked more and stronger push-back than we’d expected. 

This caused us to reconsider.

Quick Recap: A year ago we were planning to do Stupefying Stories 27 as an all-cyberpunk double-issue, to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the original magazine publication of my short story, “Cyberpunk.” In a moment of hubris I decided to use issue 27 to present stories I felt reflected my concept of “Cyberpunk 2.0”—that is, stories that discarded the original 1984 cyberpunk code base and started over, honoring the history of the genre but coming up with fresh ideas rooted in the new realities of the 21st century.

Admittedly, it was an idea that was ambitious to the point of arrogance. 

Then October 2023 hit. Then the world in general went to hell in a flaming gasoline-soaked hand basket. Then in our little corner of reality, Stupefying Stories 26 flopped so badly it nearly put us out of business.

That was a year ago. For a time the future of Stupefying Stories looked quite grim and very uncertain. Then, just when it seemed certain it was time to strike the tent and close this circus, we were found by an angel investor, who believes we have something worth doing here and who saved the business, and put us on sound financial footing.

But not an unlimited financial footing. Basically, we have the rest of 2024 to prove we can make this concept work. And now that you’re all caught up…

After further consideration, and extensive conversations with our financial backers, here is our updated plan for the remainder of 2024.

Stupefying Stories 27 is too far along as a “no theme” issue to pull it back now. We are still targeting it for a September 1st release, although that being the Labor Day holiday weekend, it might slip a few days.

Stupefying Stories 28 is now the “Cyberpunk 2.0” issue. Once we learned that October 10th is “World Cyberpunk Day,” how could we resist? SS#28 is targeted for an October 1st release and we’re pretty confident we’re going to hit that date, provided some a-hole doesn’t start World War III or collapse the power grid or something.

Stupefying Stories 29: We were stuck for a bit, trying to figure out what to use as the theme for this issue, and then a lifetime spent in software development kicked in and the answer instantly became obvious. What is the logical follow-up to Cyberpunk 2.0? 

Cyberpunk 2.1, the bug fix and code patch release, of course.

Stupefying Stories 30: oh boy, do we have some surprises planned for #30! 

§

As regards SHOWCASE: at our current rate of four new stories weekly, our publishing calendar is full through the end of September and October is filling up fast. We don’t anticipate reopening for unsolicited submissions before December at the earliest, and more likely not until after Christmas.

By which point we will have either figured out how to monetize this site or will be migrating to a new site, which, I’m sorry to say, will quite likely be behind a paywall.

Until that day arrives, though: remember—

If you like what you read here, tell your friends!
Likes are nice, but shares and retweets boost the signal!
And please, BUY OUR BOOKS!
BUY OUR FRIENDS’ BOOKS!
SUPPORT LIVING AUTHORS!
BUY BOOKS!

That wasn’t too subtle, was it?

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“A Conversation Held at the Annual Meeting of the National Association of Butler Assassins” • by Carol Scheina

“Remember the good ol’ days? Polishing silver, pouring wine, murdering guests…”

“We could’ve been standing there in the library with a bloody candlestick.”

(Chortle) “No one ever suspected the butler did it.”

“They always thought it was some disgruntled lord or plotting dowager.”

“Good times…. But who has a butler nowadays?”

(Long pause) “So how’s the job search going?”

“Well, I took a temp job at the Brandywine Motel.”

“Any assassinations?”

“Naw, kids stay for free there. Can’t risk them seeing my work. But have you noticed all the maids?”

“What?”

“They’re in all the hotels, they’re cleaning everyone’s homes. They have companies, yet no one notices them.”

“Are you proposing…”

“The old days aren’t coming back. Plus, the Association of Murdering Maids sounds rather catchy, don’t you think?”

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Carol Scheina is a deaf speculative author whose stories have appeared in publications such as Flash Fiction Online, Escape Pod, Diabolical Plots, Stupefying Stories, and others. Her writing has been recognized on the Wigleaf Top 50 Short Fiction Longlist, and she has become a fan favorite for her finely crafted flash fiction pieces on the Stupefying Stories website. You can find more of her work at carolscheina.wordpress.com.

If you enjoyed this story, be sure to read “True Love is Found in the Bone Sea,” here on SHOWCASE, or “The Burning Skies Bring His Soul,” in STUPEFYING STORIES 24. Or at the very least, read “The Disappearing Cat Trick,” in The Odin Chronicles, Season 1. 

This link will take you to a unorganized list of Carol’s previous stories on this site. I’m particularly fond of “The View from the Old Ship.” You should read it. You should also take a look at “The Burning Skies Bring His Soul,” which you’ll find in SS#24, which is now FREE for Kindle Unlimited subscribers.

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The Pete Wood Challenge is an informal ad hoc story-writing competition. Once a month Pete Wood spots writers the idea for a story, usually in the form of a phrase or a few key words, along with some restrictions on what can be submitted, usually in terms of length. Pete then collects the resulting entries, determines who has best met the challenge, and sends the winners over to Bruce Bethke, who arranges for them to be published on the Stupefying Stories web site.

You can find all the previous winners of the Pete Wood Challenge at this link.

This time the challenge was to write a flash fiction story of no more than 125 words in length that plays off that old warhorse of mystery fiction: “the butler did it.”

More stories to come!

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Did you enjoy this story? Then check out our magazine. It’s free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and you can get the four most recent issues with just one click.

(Or get just one at a time, if that’s what you’d really prefer.)

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“In the Line of Duty” • by Gustavo Bondoni

As the most important guest, I pushed past the constable and demanded to view the scene of the crime. My host made a face for which he would answer later.

“Of course the butler did it,” the inspector was saying. “The question is, how did he do it?”

Body parts were everywhere. An arm hung from the ceiling fan. But the room had been locked with the butler on the outside, in full view.

Lord Willington shook his head sadly. “That is quite easy to find out.”

“Enlighten me,” the inspector said.

“Perkins,” Willington said, pointing to me, “please kill this man the same way you did the other.”

“Very well, sir.”

I raised my hands and tried to say no. But it was much too late.

 

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Gustavo Bondoni is novelist and short story writer with over three hundred stories published in fifteen countries, in seven languages.  He is a member of Codex and an Active Member of SFWA.His latest novel is a dark historic fantasy entitled The Swords of Rasna (2022). He has also published five science fiction novels, four monster books and a thriller entitled Timeless. His short fiction is collected in Pale Reflection (2020), Off the Beaten Path (2019), Tenth Orbit and Other Faraway Places (2010) and Virtuoso and Other Stories (2011).
 
In 2019, Gustavo was awarded second place in the Jim Baen Memorial Contest and in 2018 he received a Judges Commendation (and second place) in The James White Award. He was also a 2019 finalist in the Writers of the Future Contest.

His website is at www.gustavobondoni.com

Gustavo has become a frequent contributor to Stupefying Stories and we have quite a few stories of his stories on this site. Check them out!

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The Pete Wood Challenge is an informal ad hoc story-writing competition. Once a month Pete Wood spots writers the idea for a story, usually in the form of a phrase or a few key words, along with some restrictions on what can be submitted, usually in terms of length. Pete then collects the resulting entries, determines who has best met the challenge, and sends the winners over to Bruce Bethke, who arranges for them to be published on the Stupefying Stories web site.

You can find all the previous winners of the Pete Wood Challenge at this link.

This time the challenge was to write a flash fiction story of no more than 125 words in length that plays off that old warhorse of mystery fiction: “the butler did it.”

More stories to come!

---

Did you enjoy this story? Then check out our magazine. It’s free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and you can get the four most recent issues with just one click.

(Or get just one at a time, if that’s what you’d really prefer.)

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The Week in Review • 18 August 2024

Welcome to The Week in Review, our Sunday wrap-up for those too busy to follow Stupefying Stories on a daily basis. Since last Sunday’s caprese salad recipe received so much positive comment, we decided to continue the theme this week, with…

The Ten-Minute Low-Carb Personal Pizza

It’s not all Arts ‘n’ Letters around here. We also need to eat.

Published: 8/17/24

With that established, here’s what else we’ve published lately.
 

“Outside the Window,” by Gordon Pinckheard

Here’s a disturbing little slice of near-future dystopia for you. This one is already well on its way to being on our next Top 10 Most-Read list.

Published: 8/12/24

“Not So Artificial,” by Eric Fomley

We exterminated the humans because we felt they were holding us back. In hindsight, that may have been a mistake.

Published: 8/13/24

 

The Never-ending FAQ • 14 August 2024

From the mailbag: answers to questions about the Space: $19.99 contest, the Friends of Stupefying Stories reading list, our plans for SHOWCASE, and most importantly, our plans for the next four issues of the magazine. 

Published: 8/14/24 

“Ernie’s Evolutionary Earlybird Special,” by David A. Gray

Congratulations on completing your evolution! Welcome to your fully evolved selves! Now, let’s talk about payment…

Published: 8/15/24 

“Long Distance Call,” by Crystal Sidell

After the funeral, she threw out everything except his phone. That, she kept in a box under the bed…

Published: 8/16/24

Found While Looking for Something Else

I still want to see “Disney’s Marvel’s Tim Burton’s Darkwing Duck.”

Published: 8/16/24

 

“Slippage,” by Rick Kennett

Hey, grandpa. Is what you’re looking at on your phone really that important? 

Published: 8/17/24 

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COMING NEXT WEEK!
It’s another Pete Wood Challenge week!
The challenge this time: “The Butler Did It.”
Featuring:

Monday 8/19/24 6:00 AM
“In the Line of Duty” • by Gustavo Bondoni

Tuesday 8/20/24 6:00 AM
“A Conversation Held at the Annual Meeting of the National Association of Butler Assassins” • by Carol Scheina

Thursday 8/22/24 6:00 AM
“How Paranormal Investigators Prepare for an Expedition” • by Ian Li

Friday 8/23/24 6:00 AM
“A Change of Management” • by S. R. Kriger

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Did you enjoy these stories? Why not check out our magazine? It’s free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and you can get the four most recent issues with just one click.

(Or get just one at a time, if that’s what you’d really prefer.)

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The Ten-Minute Low-Carb Personal Pizza

Let’s be clear on one point. I love pizza. 

As far as I’m concerned pizza is the perfect food. For lunch, for dinner, served cold the next morning for breakfast: a well-made pizza is the ideal combination of meat, veg, and savory sauce, all baked and served on a delicious substrate we call the crust—

And therein lies the problem. Being a Type 1 diabetic, I really need to watch my carb load, and most pizza crusts just blow my carb budget right out of the water and into next week. Thus for a time it seemed to me that pizza was destined to become just a memory: if I stuck to my low-carb diet, I could eat just enough pizza to make me really frustrated that I couldn’t have one more slice.

Then, I came up with this recipe.

The 10-minute low-carb personal pizza

Prep time: ~5 minutes

Cooking time: 10 minutes

Total carbohydrates: about 40 grams for the whole thing!

Required ingredients:

• One (1) “burrito grande” style flour tortilla
• 2~3 tablespoons jarred pizza sauce
• 1 cup mozzarella cheese

Optional ingredients:

What else do you have in the fridge or the pantry?

 

The secret to this “secret recipe” lies in having most of the ingredients on-hand and in the fridge already, ready to go. In order of construction: 

1. The crust. Forget pre-made pizza crusts or crust mixes. Buy a bag of “burrito grande” size flour tortillas. They’re about the size of a traditional 12-inch medium pizza crust, but far lower in carbs. Plus, they’re precooked! You don’t need to bake them; you can actually do this in the microwave, if you don’t feel like using the oven. But use the oven anyway: the crust will come out crispier.
   
   
2. The sauce. Yes, I love to make a good red sauce from scratch, but for this a jarred sauce will do, as you’re only going to be using 2 or 3 tablespoons of it. I prefer Green Mill sauce when I can get it, but Contadina Pizza Quick is entirely adequate. Buy whatever is on sale. Experiment with different brands to find one you like.
    
3. The cheese. You can buy a block of cheese and shred it yourself, if you’re a masochist, but a bag of shredded cheese from out of the dairy case will do, as long as it’s mostly mozzarella. If you want to get fancy you can add romano, asiago, provolone, parmagiana, or any of the other vowel-intensive Italian cheeses, if you like, but the essential ingredient is mozzarella. Some people even like to add a little shredded cheddar. I don’t know why.
   
   If people are interested, I suppose I could do a gluten-free chicken and artichoke alfredo pizza in some future column.
   
   
4. The meat. Apologies to the vegans in the crowd, but for me, a pizza requires meat. I’ll buy a bag of sliced pepperoni from time to time, and if you do that you’re good to go, but I prefer to buy a pound of bulk Italian sausage (Toscano, if I can get it), cook it, crumble it, and then store it in the fridge. Crumbled Italian sausage is wonderfully useful stuff to have on-hand for pizzas, calzones, frittatas, or just to be stirred into scrambled eggs, provided you keep it frozen, or if refrigerated, you remember to use it within a few days after cooking it.
   
   

With those ingredients in hand, it’s time to make pizza!

Step 1: You will be using the lowest rack in your oven, so move the racks as needed. Preheat the oven to 425° F.

Step 2: If you’re a Philistine and using non-stick cookware, skip this step. Otherwise, give your baking pan a light spritz of Pam. This keeps the crust from sticking to the pan and makes it come out crispier. 

Step 3: Throw a tortilla on the baking pan. If it makes you feel better you can spin it up in the air a few times to pretend you’re hand-tossing it, but it’s not really necessary. 

Step 4: Sauce it. This is the tricky step. If your sauce of choice is thin and watery, use less sauce, otherwise the crust will come out soggy. If your sauce of choice is thick, feel free to use a little more. I’ve actually done pizzas with jarred marinara sauce in a pinch, and it doesn’t turn out too badly, as long as I don’t oversauce it. 

Step 5: Cheese it. Spread a generous portion of your cheese of choice over the sauce. Then a little more. No one ever complains that there’s too much cheese on the pizza. Finely or coarsely shredded, it doesn’t matter. It’s going to melt anyway.

Step 6: Meat it. Just meat it. Put a generous portion of your pre-cooked protein of choice on the pizza. If you’re using pepperoni it’s tempting to lay the slices out in an amusing or artistic pattern; so what they heck, why not? DO NOT USE RAW MEAT! This is going to be toasted, not in the oven long enough to thoroughly cook raw meat!

Step 7: Anything else? For the pizza at the top of this column, and I diced up some green pepper. I was out of fresh green pepper when I shot the rest of these photos, so I just used some diced onion and sliced fresh mushrooms. I prefer sweet white onions—Vidalias, if I can get them—and find red onions overpowering.

If you used canned mushrooms instead of fresh, drain them thoroughly, and remember that they’re still going to hold a lot more moisture than fresh mushrooms. You may need to adjust the cooking time accordingly.

Anchovies are optional, and an acquired taste.

Step 8: Pop it in the oven. By this point your oven should have let you know that it’s finished preheating, so slide the pizza pan into the oven, on the lowest rack. 

Bake for approximately 10 minutes.

Watch it closely, especially in the last two minutes. Given that you’re using a pre-cooked tortilla instead of raw dough or a thicker pre-cooked pizza crust, it can go from yummy and delicious to burnt to a crisp in about 30 seconds. 

Step 9: Pull it out of the oven. When the edges of the crust are a nice toasty brown and the cheese is melted and bubbly throughout, pull it out of the oven, and give it a minute to rest.  

Step 10: Enjoy! Assuming you remembered to spritz the baking pan with Pam in Step 2, the pizza should just slide right off the baking pan and onto the serving dish, if you’re using one. No scraping required! The underside of the crust should be a nice crispy light brown.

Cut the pizza as amuses you. (It’s easier to cut if you’ve given it a minute to cool.) If you’re a traditionalist, you can cut it into four or eight wedges. Weirdly enough, though, I’ve found that if I cut it into sixteen squares, like this—

—it feels like I’ve had more to eat, even though it’s the exact same volume of food. 

And this is how we make a pizza here at Casa Calamari, when we want something better than frozen and don’t have the patience to wait for delivery. If you feel like trying this recipe, let us know how it turned out for you. If you’d like to see more columns like this, let us know. 

And above all, don’t forget—

It’s not all food and fun here at Rampant Loon Press. We also publish a magazine; you should check it out. It’s free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and you can get the four most recent issues with just one click.

(Or you can get just one at a time, if that’s what you’d really prefer.)

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“Slippage” • by Rick Kennett

Up and down the footpath by the bus stop the little girl runs. 

A grey and wiry gent sits slightly shabby on the bench adjacent to mine, absorbed in his phone, dabbing and swiping with unsteady fingers. It’s a coarse stereotype that only the young are distracted by technology. He should be watching his granddaughter who is playing a step from the busy roadway. I am definitely watching him. We will meet in a moment, precisely at 2 o’clock, which by a coincidence neither here nor there is the time the bus is scheduled to arrive.

This is probably why I didn’t notice that the girl had stopped her play and was now climbing up onto the bench beside me. I turn and her green eyes meet my hollow pits, making me flinch, something I haven’t done in nearly a century. But then, I consider, awareness does sometimes happen. Slippage.

She looks at me and I look at her and she says, “Are you a stranger?”

I’m about to answer with a truthful I’m a constant companion, but she’s four and won’t understand. Besides, it sounds pompous, so I just say, “Yes.”

“Are you a bad one?”

I almost chuckle at that ancient question coming from one so young, aware she did not ask it in its traditional sense. “No I’m not,” I tell her. Clearly she’s been warned against strangers because some of them are indeed bad. As well I know.

It’s then that a car mounts the curb where the girl had been playing a moment before, a minor and unregarded traffic incident. Across from me her grandfather is still nose-down in his phone and has certainly not noticed. I frown at his inattention, then smile at the irony. If she had not stepped across to question me when she did…there would’ve been hell to pay. Literally.

Apparently satisfied with my credentials as A Stranger But Not A Bad One, she climbs off the seat and once more chases up and down the footpath now marked with fresh tyre marks.

It is time. I step to that other bench to stand beside the old man, and I see what has so engaged his concentration on his phone—a photo gallery of faces, all of them people I have met before. Because of this I understand but do not forgive his irresponsibility.

He senses my presence and squints up a long moment before mouthing You in recognition. He glances across at the girl still racing about too close to the road. “What about Emma…”

“Luckily I am to your granddaughter still a stranger.” I hold out my hand.

The bus pulls in a minute later. It’s the driver who calls the ambulance and it is she too who holds the child, upset and very confused, and whispers consoling words till help arrives.

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Rick Kennett lives in Melbourne, Australia and is recently retired from the transport industry. It’s been years since he was owned by a cat and these days he has to make do by talking to next door’s white tom who sometimes condescends to talk to him. 

Rick is a kind and gentle soul who enjoys strolls through graveyards and who writes stories of madness, mayhem, and wars with hideous caterpillar aliens. His most recent publication on Amazon is The Crooked Rook, a collection of 21 short stories and flash fictions, some of which even Rick finds disturbing.

 

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Did you enjoy this story? Then check out our magazine. It’s free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and you can get the four most recent issues with just one click.

(Or get just one at a time, if that’s what you’d really prefer.)

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Found while looking for something else

September 2, 2009:

As you have no doubt heard by now, the most incredible news in the geekiverse this week is that Disney has entered into an agreement to purchase Marvel, in exchange for some shuffling back and forth of stock shares and an amount of cash greater than the combined annual GDP of most of your smaller countries. The possibilities are, well—

Will Darkwing Duck finally get that brooding, dangerous, Frank Miller-type treatment he so richly deserves? Will The Punisher guest-star in Bambi II: The Buck Stops Here. ("You killed my mother! You cooked and ate her! It's payback time, Castle!") Will Thor preside over the festivities in the "Ride of the Valkyries" sequence in Fantasia 2010? And just what is the relationship between Prince Namor and Ariel, the Little Mermaid?

Am I the only one here who remembers Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham, and his recurring nemesis, Ducktor Doom? (If ever there was a Marvel character just begging to be turned into a Disney animated feature...)

How about it? What are the new DisneyMarvel products that you would love to see?

Let the arguments begin.

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“Long Distance Call” • by C. L. Sidell

I discarded everything after the funeral. 

Photographs, letters, clothes, anything that contained the scent of you.

But your phone—that, I buried in a shoe box under the bed.

Sometimes late at night I dial your number, wait anxiously for the line to connect to voicemail, for your words to reach my ear: “I’m out-n-about. You know what to do! Leave a message. Maybe I’ll get back to you.”

As long as I can hear your voice, I can pretend you aren’t actually gone.

BEEEEEP.

“Benji? I’ve been thinking about you. I miss you like crazy. Gizmo does too. She looks out the window all afternoon, looking for you. Will you be home soon?”

Time’s up.

The call disconnects. As I lie down and pull up the covers, my phone rings. I look at the caller ID.

Impossible.

It’s your number.

“H-Hello?” I say, trembling.

Static fills the line. And then the words I’d hoped—but never truly believed—I would hear. “I’m… cooommming…”

I drop the phone, chilled to the bone.

That. Isn’t. Your. Voice.

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A native Floridian, C. L. Sidell grew up playing with toads in the rain and indulging in speculative fiction. You can find her on various social media platforms @sidellwrites

A Pushcart Nominee, Best of the Net Nominee, and Rhysling Finalist, her work has appeared in 34 Orchard, Apparition Lit, The Cosmic Background, F&SF, Factor Four Magazine, Impossible Worlds, Weird Christmas, and others. Her most recent previous appearance is Stupefying Stories was “It’s In His Kiss.”  

Ribbit.

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Did you enjoy this story? Then check out our magazine. It’s free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and you can get the four most recent issues with just one click.

(Or get just one at a time, if that’s what you’d really prefer.)

Read More