Hello. Greetings. Have I reached the party to whom I am calling? Doctor Erwin Schrödinger?
No, do not panic, please! Yes, you are hearing voices, or rather, you are hearing my voice. But there is no cause for alarm, sir. You are not going mad. Your mind is now connected to my mind via a trans-temporal quantum entanglement telepathic link. It’s a bit one-sided, I’m afraid, as far as the recording part is concerned. You can hear me and I can hear you, but I have to speak out loud on my end to an automatic transcriber to ensure we have a proper recording of both parts of our conversation. It’s a bit inconvenient, I admit, but other than that, it’s all perfectly normal.
Well, yes, I suppose perhaps “normal” is not quite the right word. The definition of “normal” depends on context and circumstance, however…yes, sir, “normal” is “relative” after all to each individual. It’s just all relative with you quantum physics types, isn’t it?
That was a joke, sir. Well, I thought it was funny.
Anyway, we are digressing. Let me start again. Greetings, sir, and Guten Tag, am I addressing Erwin Schrödinger? Yes? Doctor Erwin Schrödinger? Yes? The Erwin Schrödinger? Erwin Rudolf Josef Alexander Schrödinger? Yes? The son of Rudolf and Georgine Schrödinger of Vienna, Austria? The Erwin Schrödinger who now resides in England in the year, uh, 1935, I believe? That Erwin Schrödinger? The Erwin Schrödinger who developed the Schrödinger Equation for Wave Mechanics? The co-winner of the 1933 Nobel Prize with Paul Dirac? That Erwin Schrödinger?
Oh, good. These trans-temporal linkages can be a bit uncertain at times. I suppose we can all blame Heisenberg for that too.
That was another joke, Herr Schrödinger. Well, it was funny to me.
Okay, let’s start again. Greetings and Guten Tag, Herr Schrödinger. Allow me to introduce myself, Frederick Smithson, with the P.E.T.A.T.T.T.T.C.C.C.C.C., communicating with you from the year 2140. Let me just say that this is a real honour. I am a really big fan of your work. You can call me “Fred” if you wish. And may I call you “Erwin”?
Oh. Well, alright then, Herr Doktor Schrödinger. I guess we’ll just get down to business then, shall we? PETATTTTCCCCC has been monitoring your work for quite some—Oh, right, sorry, my mistake there. As I said, I am with the P.E.T.A.T.T.T.T.C.C.C.C.C. That’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: TransTemporal Telepathic TeleCommunications Criminal Complaints and Corrections Corps., or PETATTTTCCCCC for short.
Yes, it is quite a lot to say. Yes, those are a lot of T’s and C’s. Yes, it does sound like a cat spitting and hissing. Which brings us to the point of this conversation.
PETATTTTCCCCC has been monitoring you and your work for quite some time, Herr Doktor Schrödinger, and, to be quite frank, we have a complaint. It’s about your cat.
To be specific, we are concerned about the cat which is or will be the helpless victim of the cruel and inhuman experiment which you are now contemplating or may soon be contemplating in your own near future. To get to the point of the matter, Herr Doktor, PETATTTTCCCCC is not going to allow you to subject this poor creature to this insane and inhumane experiment. As a duly appointed and sworn PETATTTTCCCCC agent I order you to cease and desist now, and do not perform this experiment or, if you are already doing so, to let that cat out of the box before it is too late!
You don’t have a cat?
It’s a what?
A thought experiment?
I see…uh huh…That’s the story you’re going to go with then, is it? Fine then. We tried to be nice but if we have to do this the hard way, then so be it.
No, no, no, no. No “buts”, Herr Doktor Schrödinger. If that’s going to be your attitude, then you may consider this trans-temporal telepathic encounter as your first and last and ONLY warning from the P.E.T.A.T.T.T.T.C.C.C.C.C.
In the interest of fairness, it is only proper to warn you that PETATTTTCCCCC is more than any mere future version of your Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals or other such groups as exist in your own time, and we have far more influence, authority, and political clout now than when the original P.E.T.A. itself was founded. Indeed, we are a world power equal in strength to the United States of NorAm, the European Union, or even the New Soviet. We have successfully restored the African veldt and savannah to their original proper and pristine condition, poacher and people-free and suitable for the native wildlife to flourish and replenish. Once we finish the process with the rest of the continent, we will then turn our attention to the restoration of Australia and the South American rain forest.
Make no mistake, Herr Doktor Schrödinger, the P.E.T.A.T.T.T.T.C.C.C.C.C. is a force to reckon with, and we will allow no one and nothing to stand in our way of saving poor helpless animals from human cruelty.
Take heed, Herr Doktor Schrödinger. There is no use trying to fool us with any “alternative facts” fairy tale. We are PETATTTTCCCCC, after all. We know the real truth.
The P.E.T.A.T.T.T.T.C.C.C.C.C. has its eye on you now, Herr Doktor Schrödinger. We know all that is and all that isn’t, and we will be watching you very carefully from now on. Remember that, Herr Doktor, and remember that we will know if you do anything to endanger the health, safety, and continued existence of that cat. So you’d best watch your step.
After all, you wouldn’t want to have happen to you what happened to Dr. Pavlov, would you?
That name rings a bell, does it? Thought it might. Go ahead and ask around, Herr Doktor Schrödinger, I’m sure you’ll find someone who can tell you about him.
I suggest you take very good care of that cat. We’re always watching.
Sleep well, Herr Doktor Schrödinger.
If you can.
Gregg Chamberlain writes speculative fiction for fun and zombie filk because he can. He lives in rural Ontario, Canada, with his missus, Anne, and their cats, who would never let themselves be put in boxes for any reason.
Find him at https://www.facebook.com/gregg.chamberlain or on Twitter/X at @greggchamberlai.
If you enjoyed this story, you might also want to read “Rookie Mistake,” also on Stupefying Stories.
To our surprise, our search for the link to “Rookie Mistake” revealed that Gregg first appeared on this site in 2018, with the runner-up winner in that year’s Bad Imitation Lovecraft Contest. Gregg’s story, “Garden Shoggoth,” while the clear reader favorite among the top entries, failed to take first prize because in the opinion of the contest judges, it simply made too much sense to be an excerpt from a Lovecraft story.
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1 comments:
Good story, rather fascinated with the concept of the cat in the box myself. Creative and as good sci-fi does, extends current trends into the future. I follow your Calls for Submissions on FB and is nice to put a face to the name and read one of your pieces.
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