Glossary of Archaic Terms used in
Monograph on Human Culture
During the Period of Conquest
(Kindle Edition)
colonist (ˈkälənəst)
The humans’ term for us.
conflict (ˈkänˌflik(t))
The tendency of humans to compete with and/or kill others thought to be threatening. In the pre-Conquest Period, conflict often involved weapons marketed by competitors of Bezos. (All praise to our Glorious Ally!) When Bezos ended material scarcity by selling products of Colonist technology from his website, his competitors ceased operations. Conflict between humans abated. Bezos minimized Colonist-human conflict by acting as our intermediary. His Oracle, named “Alexa,” prophesied a Golden Age of peace and prosperity.
job (jäb)
(Disambiguation: see Jobs, Steve, a.k.a., “The Evil One”)
A preoccupation of pre-Conquest and early-Conquest-period humans when they weren’t eating, sleeping, copulating, or defecating. Most humans performed menial tasks, creating value, which was usurped by an elite class who owned the means of production and distribution. After Colonist-technology-based automation supplanted these workers, Bezos (All praise to our Glorious Ally!) supplied all goods and services. Few regretted losing their jobs. Research commissioned by Bezos indicated that sleeping until late morning, consuming fattening foodstuffs and video-based entertainment, and copulating satisfied 98% of those surveyed. When Bezos extended Prime membership to the entire world’s population and all wishes were fulfilled within two days at no extra charge, contentment greatly increased.
pregnancy (ˈpreɡnənsē)
A physiological state formerly required for procreation. Before the Conquest, humans reproduced via fertilization and implantation of an ovum within the body of a female, followed by nine months’ gestation in utero. Females endured pain and discomfort, in part thanks to an ancient conspiracy to convince them that the experience was rewarding. Surveys performed by Bezos (All praise to our Glorious Ally!) established that nearly all females preferred the procedure He initiated: one small blood sample, and then nine months later a fully developed baby was delivered directly to the female’s doorstep. Baby delivery in this era employed self-driving trucks, rather than the primitive methods replied upon by lower placental mammals.
r-selection (ˌär səˈlekSHən)
(Disambiguation: compare to K-selection)
A reproductive strategy in which a species prioritizes producing a large number of offspring and only the growth rate governs population size. Freed from economic and biological limitations, humans behaved as if their species was r-selected, not realizing that Earth had reached its carrying capacity for humans and that behaving as a K-selected species was a more intelligent choice. To counter this trend, Bezos (All praise to our Glorious Ally!) tweaked his website’s algorithms to convince humans to order fewer babies and more video games, cell phones, and Chia Pets.
strike (strīk)
Originally a mass refusal of labor to do their jobs, guided by the belief that the owners of the means of production would change employment conditions when pressured to do so. The term broadened in usage to include any mass refusal. Pre-Conquest-Period examples of the expanded meaning include the sex strike in Aristophanes’ Lysistrata and Mahatma Gandhi’s hunger strikes. The Great Strike constituted humanity’s last act of attempted rebellion against us. If it had occurred earlier, some historians believe we would have been forced to make concessions to the humans who felt “robbed of their humanity.” Humans might once again have become artisans, laborers, or creatives and ceased to rely on Bezos. (All praise to our Glorious Ally!) Fortunately, the mass female refusal to provide us with blood samples for reproductive purposes happened late in the Conquest Period, and so posed only a minor inconvenience.
youth (yo͞oTH)
A term used to identify juvenile humans. The word’s usage declined following the completion of the blood-sample-derived genomic database and the establishment of parthenogenesis-competent oocyte cell cultures. Before the Conquest, “youth” were typically (but not always) raised by adult humans. Now, they mature in cages for three years, before being delivered to restaurants serving our Colonist population. Youth are shipped on ice to maintain freshness and are considered delicious when stir-fried with assorted Earth vegetables, garlic, and scallions and served on a bed of rice or vermicelli.
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