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Sunday, April 18, 2021

Clash of the Schlockmeisters 2: Electric Boogaloo!

In honor of Earth Day, this week CLASH OF THE SCHLOCKMEISTERS! dips deep into the cinematic cesspool to dredge up these two outstanding examples of the eco-horror genre, which, trust me, really was popular for a while in the 1970s. Both based on successful novels, by John Christopher and Roger Zelazny respectively, these two films are the movies Roland Emmerich must have watched as a child and been left thinking, “I can’t do much worse, but I certainly can do the same damned thing a lot bigger, longer, louder, and more expensively!”


Again, in this head-to-head battle of losers, we’re looking for the answers to a few simple questions:

1. Which of these two movies is the more cringe-inducing to watch now? 

2. Do either of these movies have any redeeming values?

3. Would Jan-Michael Vincent have sold the role better if his motorcycle helmet had had devil horns on it?

4. “An Adventure You’ll Never Forget:” is that a promise or a warning? 

The challenge has been presented. The clock is ticking. Have at them, hammer and tongs, and already remember: 

Have fun!

See you tomorrow,

appears each Sunday morning on, until we either run out of films to slag (fat chance) or find a better feature to run in this space (slightly better chance). The rules are simple: the two contestants in this head-to-head “too bad they can’t both lose” battle must be big-budget productions, released by major studios, made by experienced directors and producers, and starring recognizable movie stars. 

Please feel free to suggest future matchups, but remember, no indie, low-budget, semi-pro, student, or badly dubbed foreign films will be considered, nor will we consider anything distributed by The Asylum, as mocking such movies is like beating up a kid in a wheelchair. Be advised also that I do have a soft spot for Roger Corman and consider his book, How I Made a Hundred Movies in Hollywood and Never Lost a Dime, to be excellent reading for anyone who dreams of building a company based on hopes, ideas, chutzpah, and no investor capital, and therefore I feel no need to deprecate his films. 

Golan-Globus, on the other hand…

Finally, be advised that Robo Vampire has earned the permanent title of All-Time Worst Movie Ever Made, eclipsing even the combined stench of the collected works of both Ed Wood and Uwe Boll, so there’s really no need to dig any deeper into the manure pile. What we’re looking for here are movies that the people who made them truly believed were actually pretty good, and therefore deserving of mass-market success.

Which brings us back to Golan-Globus, and The Apple

1 comment:

Pete Wood said...

No Blade of Grass takes itself way too seriously. It's a downer that drives the point home with a sledgehammer.
Damnation Alley is trashy fun. It doesn't hold a candle to the source novel, but Jan Michael Vincent and George Peppard play well off each other and take their roles seriously. I'd watch it again.