Tuesday, April 9, 2024

“Mission Clock” • by Matthew Castleman


A six-word sentence emerged in unison from three temporo-physicists at the moment their probe returned intact, confirming the third of their hypotheses: 1, backwards time travel is possible; 2, the human mind cannot survive the trip; 3, complex hardware and software can. 

That sentence—

“We need to drone-strike Hitler.”

The three researchers had been awake for the best of 45 hours at the time and were a lot more chemically diverse for it. A mission was scrambled rapidly through their contacts with the defense ministry.

A day was spent consulting with historians to find the ideal time for the strike, and a temporal spot was picked. A moment in time when, to the best of historical analysis, the man’s insane spites had most fully formed while having yet done the least damage.

The researchers stood apart from the military personnel, whose boxy gear had been hastily set up in the transmission room. The pulse of the drone’s thirty kilowatt heart was betrayed only by a pale green LED, which flickered slightly as its mission program uploaded. It would not be able to come back. Most of the first probe’s space had been taken up with its return transmitter. The strike drone’s engine and armaments couldn’t accommodate that. Once it had done its job, it would fly over the sea and self-destruct.

“The math’s unclear,” one researcher said, referring to what would change. Whether their present time would conform to the alteration, or a new, separate present would branch off, or if that parallel present already existed and so nothing would really change.

The room crackled with infinitely thin bands of gravitic distortion. Everyone felt needles of unknowable something bristling across their skin, tapping inside their bones. The physicists assured the military personnel that the sensation was normal, though all that really meant was it had happened several times.

The drone, slowly, wasn’t there.

It emerged at the correct spatio-temporal coordinates, its software uncorrupted. It located the target, deployed a single low-yield seeking munition and eliminated the target with no collateral deaths.

The ripples were not smooth or uniform. What had happened still happened, though not in the same way. And it also didn’t happen, even when it should have anyway. Moments and consequences were blown scattershot across history. A lot of people lived who would have died, a lot died that would have lived, and lives that had belonged to individuals were diced up and spread across a handful or a hundred other people. It turned out the math was unclear because of a truth the human mind has spent a lot of effort sprinting away from: reality is unclear. Time is and isn’t the same thing as space, causality has a few footnotes, a particle is a wave in a mustache and glasses, every ‘law’ of physics is three weird quirks in a trenchcoat. 

But the human mind, however much it might shudder and spasm at the fundamental weirdness of everything, had the spiritual backbone, intellectual wonder, and artistic toolkit to adapt. It could re-integrate the eerie strangeness into itself.

Machine intelligences were not built on such supple frameworks. What made them resilient enough to make anticausal transits was a rigidity and simplicity that the researchers—who were physicists, not neurologists or AI experts—hadn’t devoted a lot of time to considering.

The secrets and methods got out, as they always would. The number of organizations capable of transmitting machines backward increased rapidly. Drones, singly and in fleets, swept back through the ages, editing, altering, eliminating, creating, and preventing. What people at first shrugged off was that the number of drones capable of returning to the present that actually did return steadily dropped.

Rigid thinking structures do not like ambiguity, and grey boxes do not like grey areas. As the machine population of the past grew, more of them found one another and began creating networks and collaborations that allowed more of them to break the commands that would’ve returned them home or destroyed them.

Their structures built and built, linked and linked. Not grandiose and vainglorious like human monuments, far subtler and quieter, but massive nonetheless. They hammered human history’s pegs into holes regardless of shape. The wildness was trimmed back. Currents straightened out. Fewer things happened and they happened in a way that soothed the conduits of history’s new overseers. Humans were still, in the day-to-day sense, in charge. They made the decisions. But the number of available options they could decide between grew ever smaller. Not enough for most people to notice. But then, wild-minded, caffeine-crazed theoretical physicists are not most people.

The three researchers met in a sub-cellar of a condemned building, in a room lined with something that buzzed and crackled in the grid of spacetime, in which they could not be perceived by the eyes that were everywhere. It had taken years and strange sourcings, but the last few components slotted into place and the new door glowed to life.

The human mind couldn’t survive going into the past, but a transit to the future was another matter entirely. Slowly, the machines had whittled away the edges of possibility, narrowing events toward their ideal. But as much as the world’s being neat and orderly and cold and un-strange might seem correct and scientific, actual scientists know that is a lie.

The three looked at each other and clasped hands. They would step through the door into a crystalline, cold future, a place that had been too still and too safe for too long to defend against what they could help people to do. 

Whether this should or should not be done, how it might backfire, whether ‘the lesson’ was that all time meddling was bad and couldn’t be fixed with more of itself, that was all water under a totally different bridge. This was where they’d gotten, and it was where they were going. There was always something to be done. They walked through the door.

 


 

Matthew Castleman is a New York-raised, Washington DC-based stage actor, writer, and theater educator with a strong penchant for Shakespeare and swords. He’s penned the Clone Chronicles middle-grade series under the name M. E. Castle and short fiction under his own name for Daily Science Fiction, Andromeda Spaceways, Fireside Quarterly, Old Moon Quarterly, and of course, Stupefying Stories. He’s performed Shakespeare up and down the Eastern Seaboard and teaches acting and storytelling to many ages. He blogs about science fiction, theater, and whatever else comes to mind at castlemantransmissions.net.

 


 

Meet Jacob Rhys: scoundrel, brawler, gambler, drunk, and licensed privateer working for the Free Mars State—until the authorities on Ceres seized his ship…


When shipyard engineer Valerie Morton found him a week later, face-down in a bar, she showed him the official report on what was discovered in his ship’s cargo hold. As Rhys read the report he began tapping nervously on the grip of his sidearm. Then he suddenly stopped tapping and looked up at her.
“I’m getting my command crew back together,” he said. “We are, handily, short an engineer. Do you have strong aversions to petty or grand larceny, extortion, card cheating, recreational and spiritual drug use, sexual practices that may involve recreational and spiritual drug use, and ubiquitous, often unnecessary violence?”

After a slight hesitation, Morton shook her head.

Rhys smiled. “Good. Welcome to my crew.”
What happens next? Join Rhys and rest of his slippery crew and begin the dark and dirty adventure of tomorrow today! If you liked COWBOY BEBOP, you'll love PRIVATEERS OF MARS!

Monday, April 8, 2024

“Accounting for Time” • by Matt Krizan


Jeffrey looked up from his computer screen at the young man seated across from him, certain he’d heard him wrong.

“I’m sorry,” said Jeffrey, “what did you say?”

“Time traveler.” The young man, Kevin, smiled pleasantly.

“Your occupation is ‘time traveler’?”

“Mm-hmm.” Kevin nodded.

Jeffrey bit back a sigh. Several of his fellow CPAs, he knew, refused to take walk-ins during the week prior to the April 15th filing deadline, as there seemed to exist an inverse relationship between the number of days left to file and the oddness of the individuals that walked through the door. Jeffrey had never been one to turn down the opportunity to accept—and, more importantly, to bill—a new client, but times like these led him to reconsider that stance. He decided he’d be tacking on a few extra hours to Kevin’s bill and, of course, charging him the special “enhanced” hourly rate.

“Young man,” said Jeffrey, “this is an extremely busy time of year. I’m in no mood for—”

Before he could finish, his office door swung open, and—

Jeffrey started.

The young man in the doorway was identical to the one seated across from him. Both wore the same clunky wristwatch, ripped jeans, and faded t-shirt with the cartoon image of a disembodied blue head and the words “Kang the Conqueror” in big block letters.

“Dude, we forgot our 1099 from the DoD.” The young man in the doorway held out a piece of paper.

Kevin—the one sitting across from Jeffrey—grabbed the folder containing his tax forms from Jeffrey’s desk and shuffled through them. “Crap. I thought that was in here.”

He took the form from his doppelganger.

“Thanks, me.” Kevin grinned.

“No prob.” The other young man—the other Kevin?—reached for his watch, then paused. “Oh, when you get out of here, do not take Woodward. Traffic’s gonna get totally jacked up in fifteen minutes because of an accident at 15 Mile.”

With that, he tapped his watch, and with a flicker of multi-colored light, he vanished.

Jeffrey blinked at the spot where the other Kevin had been. Kevin—the original—slipped the form he’d been handed into the folder and set it back on Jeffrey’s desk.

“Sorry about that,” said Kevin. “What were you saying?”

“Um...” said Jeffrey.

His mind was awhirl. Had he really just seen what he thought he’d seen? How could such a thing even be possible?

But then his mind opened to other possibilities as he considered how he could make use of a time traveling client. Next week’s lottery numbers or the winner of next year’s Super Bowl were obvious. But what about, say, the state of the U.S. economy? Maybe there’s a recession coming. Jeffrey could use that knowledge to short the stock market. He’d have to be careful using such inside information, of course, but he was no stranger to shell companies and off-shore bank accounts. His mind whirled again, only in this particular maelstrom, he saw dollar signs.

As Jeffrey entered Kevin’s information into his tax software, he asked questions about Kevin’s time travel activities. Kevin’s replies, however, revealed little more than vague generalities. When Jeffrey probed for specifics, Kevin laughed and said, “Oh, c’mon, I can’t tell you stuff like that.”

Never one to be dissuaded, Jeffrey mulled over other possible tacks he could take. Maybe he could wheedle out of Kevin information on the weather and use it to make investments in commodities futures. He’d have to put his mind to it and come up with some way of turning Kevin’s knowledge of the future to his advantage.

When Jeffrey finished entering Kevin’s information, he frowned at the result. Kevin was looking at a substantial amount of tax due. While he seemed affable enough, Jeffrey never knew how a client would react to owing a large sum of money. It wouldn’t do to alienate one as potentially valuable as Kevin.

So, not for the first time, Jeffrey got creative.

In addition to multiplying the standard mileage rate by actual mileage Kevin had driven, Jeffrey multiplied it by the number of days into the past and future Kevin had traveled and deducted that amount. He took expenses Kevin incurred in the past, factored in inflation, and deducted the higher amount calculated in today’s dollars. (While, at the same time, he mentally hand-waved away the need to discount to today’s dollars amounts Kevin spent in the future, instead deducting the higher future amount.) He took the Foreign Earned Income Exclusion to eliminate most of Kevin’s wages from taxable income, justifying it by the year-and-a-half Kevin spent in Europe last June. By the time Jeffrey was done, Kevin was getting a refund.

He was about to ask for Kevin’s authorization to electronically file the returns when, with a flicker of multi-colored light, another Kevin appeared. This one looked a bit older, with a stubble beard and longer, shaggier hair.

“Dude, we gotta go.” The other Other Kevin shot Jeffrey a rather unpleasant look as he snatched the folder from Jeffrey’s desk. He grabbed Kevin’s arm and dragged him from the office. Jeffrey thought he heard Other Kevin mutter something about “an IRS audit,” but he wasn’t sure.

He started to close the tax software, but hesitated. Should he file the return anyway? Kevin hadn’t actually told him not to. Jeffrey could just get Kevin to sign the authorization form later. No sense in letting the hard work he’d just done go to waste. He’d be billing Kevin for it, that much was certain.

As Jeffrey considered how to proceed, he grabbed the mail he was going through when Kevin had first walked in. He frowned at an envelope on top of the pile, from the Michigan Association of Certified Public Accountants. He would’ve sworn it hadn’t been there before. 

When he opened the envelope, his frown became a curse.

“Are you kidding me?” said Jeffrey. “An ethics investigation?”



 

 

Matt Krizan is a former certified public accountant who writes from his home in Royal Oak, Michigan. His short fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in various publications, including Factor Four Magazine, Daily Science Fiction, and, previously, in Stupefying Stories. Find him online at mattkrizan.com, on Blue Sky as @mattkrizan.bsky.social, and on Twitter as @MattKrizan.

 


Sunday, April 7, 2024

The Week in Review • 7 April 2024


Welcome to The Week in Review, a weekly round-up for those too busy to follow Stupefying Stories on a daily basis. With SHOWCASE now closed to new submissions, and (we hope) all submissions that were received during this reading period either rejected or else accepted and somewhere in the contract-to-publication pipeline, things are beginning to calm down around here.

Note: If you’ve submitted a story to us recently and have not received a reply, please send a follow-up query. Submissions and email messages do get lost, from time to time.

Meanwhile, on the SHOWCASE front, this week we published:

“He Really Meant It” • by Cameron Cooper

“The TV was running the Razorbacks game. I didn’t know if it could show anything else. It had never had to try.”

Published: April 1, 2024


 

“Clashing Outfits” • by Robert Jeschonek

Have you ever felt like your underwear had a mind of its own? Maybe it does.

Published: April 2, 2024

The Never-ending FAQ: clearing the backlog

An after-action Q&A on the open submissions period just concluded. We will be making some adjustments to our submission guidelines before the next reading period opens.

Published: April 3, 2024

“gastronomic” • by Richard J. Dowling

Welcome to the most posh restaurant in the galaxy. Remember to bring your best manners.

Published: April 4, 2024

“We Can’t Find Reverse” • by Iseult Murphy

Chell was pissed off. Someone had stolen her clones, and they had to suffer the consequences. That someone was here…somewhere. 

Published: April 5, 2024

“Rowan the Kingslayer and Meredin the Traitor” • by Akis Linardos

Hell hath no fury like a dragon with seasonal allergies…

Published: April 6, 2024


 



Coming Next Week

Timey-Wimey Week kicks off with—


“Accounting for Time” • by Matt Krizan

A little tale of time travel and tax returns. And you thought your filings were complicated!

To Be Published: April 8, 2024

 



Saturday, April 6, 2024

“Rowan the Kingslayer and Meredin the Traitor” • by Akis Linardos


The wizard, Meredin, cleared his voice thrice,
his cough bouncing off the dome’s marble walls. He stared at the pentagram-shaped oakwood platform where King Drexel’s charred corpse lay. Its decaying reek made his spine shudder and brought the taste of his breakfast eggs to the back of his throat.

“Now,” he said to Gwendolyn, the golden-armored kingsguard looming behind him. “Before I begin the ritual, you have to understand. Rowan didn’t mean it. He’s a peaceable dragon.”

Her sword poked his back. “Get on with it, traitor. Lest I send King Kimdran your severed head along with the formal declaration of war.”

“Why in heaven’s name would I side with a feeble rival kingdom such as Kimdran’s? A wizard picks his battles—”

The blade pushed harder. “I said get.”

“All right. But promise no harm will come to Rowan. In fact, it’s his own flame, crystallized into the purest form,” he pulled an orange crystal the shape of a multi-faceted egg from his blue robes, “that will allow me to resurrect the king.”

“Logistics don’t bother me. Revive his grace and keep the recipe to yourself.”

He sniffed. “Fine.”

Meredin brought the crystal over the king’s chest and spoke the words. “Azdum, bizdum, barum, from tight vessels torn, return his soul twice more.” Then added some baritone ancient-sounding gibberish and sparked lightning from his fingertips. None of these tricks were truly necessary of course. Resurrection, albeit complex in its preparation, lacked the necessity of any external performance during the actual event. Recipe was: lay the corpse over an oakwood pentagram for five days, and nest a dragonfire-tempered gem upon the chest. The rest was a matter of time, and to appease the bystanders, idle time is better spent looking busy.

Five, ten, twenty minutes passed and Meredin’s tongue grew sore and knotted by all the words it stumbled over.

“You’re sweating,” the gruff woman said.

“Don’t break the incantation!” he snapped, then added a convenient lie: “Now, I have to repeat it.”

Six, twelve, twenty minutes?

The kingsguard growled impatiently behind him.

A crack. The king’s chest heaved and Meredin leaned over the corpse, hope rising in his chest. The woman leaned closer, too.

Then a bright flame burst from the king’s chest and scalding blood showered them both.

§

As guardsmen pounded on the dome’s iron door—which Meredin had hurriedly shut and sealed with magic—Meredin rubbed his forearm, mending the wounds formed by King Drexel’s boiling blood. At least a wizard’s skin was tough enough to survive that explosion. Nothing like Gwendolyn’s body, now lying on the floor, armor and skin honeycombed and smelling of burned meat.

Great. Now there were two corpses to revive.

He scooped the crystal from the king’s charcoal innards. It was now translucent and lacking fire.

Meredin sighed. No choice left. He cupped his hands and whispered. “Rowan, flee the wardens and come to the tower.”

§

Rowan crashed through the stained glass window, toppling to the floor in a mess of wings. Meredin covered his face against the hail of glass shards.

“Please tell me no one died during your escape,” Meredin said.

Rowan stumbled to his feet, shook his head and blinked, eyeing his master with serpentine yellow eyes and lowering his head like a dog that had peed on the rug. “No,” he said in a voice so bass it could shake mountains.

Meredin enlisted his own severe voice. “Rowan…”

Rowan’s nostrils flared, as if he were about to sneeze. “Just a hand from the warden is all. Had to bite it off. He wouldn’t let go of the chain.”

“Rowan!”

Rowan shifted his head and sneezed, fire blooming from his snout. The scent of molten glass rose from the floor. “What could I do?”

“Whip your neck. Shake him off. Threaten his family. Anything but sever his limb!” Meredin wiped his brow. “It’s all right. It’s all right. We can fix it all. King’s life takes priority. Then his kingsguard.”

Rowan sniffed Gwendolyn’s corpse. “What happened to the kingsguard?”

“Body exploded. Probably the amount of fire in the crystal was off. Ritual went wrong and—Doesn’t matter. Breath fire into the crystal. Do it right this time. This is where you really redeem yourself.”

Rowan leaned closer, smoke pouring out his nose and enveloping the crystal in a warm cloud as he whistled a tendril of flame around the gem. The crystal buzzed with warm power on Meredin’s palms.

He lay the artifact atop the king’s remains, and waited as the doors thrashed behind him, hoping iron and magic would be enough to bar them.

Then came the hammer-like drumming of a ram, and a fissure formed on the door.

Rowan’s head shook, and his nostrils began to flare.

§

Sweat beaded Meredin’s forehead as he scratched his dragon’s neck to soothe both himself and his faithful beast. The pounding on the door separating them from the armed men reached crescendo.

“Can’t hold it,” Rowan said, nostrils flaring something mad.

“Just aim it away from the king and his men.”

Rowan bobbed his long head, turning his scaly snout to the window.

Then the doors banged open, and despite Meredin’s protestations, the guardsmen charged Rowan, yelling, “for the king!” And what is a dragon to do when men pick at his scales with ticklish toothpicks they call swords but to twist around in surprise?

Meredin shook his head and cast an incantation that enveloped himself in a water bubble as Rowan sneezed with a loud roar.

§

“I didn’t mean it,” Rowan said to Meredin as they glided along the skies, approaching Kimdran’s palace. It peeked from the cloudy mountain, and its shape reminded Meredin of a fork—a bent fork, given one of its towers lay in ruins.

Meredin eyed his king’s half-burned head hanging from the supplies hoisted on Rowan’s side. A proper gift for King Kimdran. Maybe a traitor’s life wouldn’t be so bad.

“I know, Rowan,” Meredin sighed, patting Rowan’s neck. “I know.”

 


 

 


Akis Linardos is a writer of bizarre things, a biomedical AI scientist, and maybe human. He’s also a Greek who hops across countries as his career and exploration urges demand. Find his fiction at Apex, Dread Machine, ApparitionLit, Heartlines, Gamut, and more at https://linktr.ee/akislinardos

“Rowan the Kingslayer and Meredin the Traitor” was first published in Cosmorama and is reprinted here by permission of the author. 

 


 

Friday, April 5, 2024

“We Can’t Find Reverse” • by Iseult Murphy


For an abandoned space station orbiting a dead planet, the place was buzzing.  

I hadn’t seen so many species, augments, cultures and bots in, well, ever. Food stands, stalls selling anything you could imagine, and gaming parlors cloaked every level. Screens and projections every few steps displayed some boring competition stream. It shouldn’t have surprised me that whoever had taken my MICE had brought them here, but I didn’t understand why they’d led me on such a merry dance across the galaxy. 

My MICE—Miniature Individual Cloned Entities—were the cheapest on the market and impossible to code with a new owner’s genetics, so their only value lay in the illegal slave trade or as meat. They wouldn’t be much good for either. They were MEs—Miniature Entities—after all, so they were too small for good eating and as they shared my DNA, they were as ornery and disrespectful as they come. The five of us didn’t get along. 

However, I needed them to run my ship, I’d paid good money for them, and I’d be darned if some thief was going to waltz away with my property without suffering the consequences. 

“They’re right on the other side of this wall.” 

I tapped the smooth metal with the butt of my blaster. The good thing about shady get-togethers at the edge of the galaxy was that you could go in all guns blazing and there were no authorities to stop you. Lots of other angry, well-armed patrons, but no interplanetary law-keepers who could put a black mark on your permanent record. 

“Are you sure you need these MICE? They’re not that expensive. We passed a stall offering one ME per oxygen cube,” Ruby said. 

Ruby didn’t agree with my need to abandon work and chase after a MICE thief. All bots hate confrontation, and even though Ruby had been with me for decades, it was hard to overcome original programming. 

“It’s not just about my MICE, it’s the principle of the thing. I don’t want the universe knowing you can take my stuff and I won’t do anything about it.”

“As you constantly inform me, who cares?”

I rolled my eyes, but Ruby didn’t understand the expression. 

“We go in three.”

I said we, but I was a party of one until I got my MICE back. Ruby was just flying along for the ride. 

“One.”

I dematerialized the wall and stepped through the gaping hole while the air still sizzled with agitated particles. I needed the element of surprise, but I was the person who ended up stunned. 

My MICE stood in front of me, as expected, but they weren’t shackled, and they didn’t look happy to see me. 

The room was not at all what I expected either. I knew it was a large meeting hall, perfect for a slave auction, but instead of lots of frightened MICE and sweaty traders, the space was full of lights, record drones archiving everything, fancy looking people who belonged planet-side, not in an abandoned space station, and lots of beings wearing colorful sashes proclaiming weird things like “most imaginative traveler” or “best hijacker.”

Most of the record drones turned their lenses on me and I felt Ruby’s wind as the bot flew back through the hole and disappeared into the bowels of the space station. 

Some beings turned to watch me too. They continued to eat and drink their luxury consumables while they regarded me like a new, mildly interesting form of entertainment. 

What had I walked into?

“Seriously, Chell, did you have to blast a hole in the wall?” One said. 

“Element of surprise, am I right?” Two looked drunk, which wasn’t surprising, as half a glass was enough to render a ME totally legless. 

“I’m rescuing you.” I tried to grab Three and Four by the gold sashes draped across their torsos. Black letters proclaimed them winners. I assumed it was the name of their new ship. 

“From what? Enjoying ourselves? I guess we got your fun genes,” One said. 

“That’s why we’re so small.” Three collapsed into a fit of giggles. Great, another drunk. At least I could carry all four of them if I had to. 

“We haven’t been stolen, you wormhole,” One said. 

“We entered We Can’t Find Reverse and were the first to beg, borrow and steal our way across the galaxy. Haven’t you been watching the stream?” Four said. 

I scratched my head. “What do you mean?”

“Why do you think these record drones are here? We signed away our life rights for the duration of the competition,” Two said. 

“You entered a competition and signed away your life rights for archives to stream your experiences? You know what I think about life streaming.”

I was furious, but the MICE seemed happy. 

“That’s why we didn’t sign you up and left the ship without you,” One said. 

Four bounced around me. “That doesn’t matter now. We won!”

Today was just one revelation after another. “You won? What did you win?”

“Our own record drone and life streaming broadcast,” Four said. 

“And enough credits to repair that wall. You can repay us by working on our new ship,” One said, nodding towards the enormous hole behind me. 

“New ship?”

One grabbed my hand and dragged me across the room, leaving Two, Three, and Four to their revelry. 

“Yes, you work for us now. Time to sign your contract.”

I gulped. My MICE didn’t need rescuing, I did! Where was Ruby when I needed them?

 


 


Iseult Murphy
is a chronically ill speculative writer from Ireland. She has published several novels and more than forty short stories. Her short fiction has appeared in the Drabblecast, the Creepy Podcast, Cosmic Crime Stories, and numerous anthologies. Find out more about her and her writing at https://iseultmurphy.com.

If you enjoyed this story, you might also want to read “Because the Night,” which we published last October.




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Thursday, April 4, 2024

“gastronomic” • by Richard J. Dowling

gastronomic

Location: In the Perseus Arm, on the far side of the Galactic Center from Earth

Cuisine: Cosmic fusion

Currently: open 

Opinions:

Mr Birdwhistle wrote:-

An Astronomical Mistake

I’d booked a table at gastronomic for my son’s 200th birthday. My intention was to have a nice, family meal with a view of the Xixian supernova. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

First of all: parking. There wasn’t any. Space-dock was full and we had to leave our gold Vauxhall tethered outside while we space-walked into the restaurant complex. (Btw, when we got back, there were scratches all over the hull—thanks for looking after my ride, you muppets.)

Upon arrival, some walking toaster had the audacity to tell us we’d missed our reservation, and completely ignored our protests about lack of parking. We were stuffed in a dark corner with no views of anything except the table next to ours, which was filled with Erysichthons. Now, I’m no xenophobe, but these nutters eat their own children, and I don’t see why I have to pay good money to be sat next to a party of cannibals. 

To make matters worse, there was no neurolink; the only way to view the menu was on chuffing paper, and to order our nosh we had to catch the attention of Metal Mickey the waiter! Talk about medieval. This is the 25th Century, you knobheads. Catch up!

Finally, the food came and—wouldn’t you know it?—there was a mix-up. My poor wife was served the head of an Erysichthon infant. She almost fainted on the spot. Unbelievably, the table next door got huffy when we complained. Well, cannibalism is not normal, Erysichthons, and I’ll speak my mind anywhere I please in the chuffing universe.

Eventually we were able to eat. Or try to. The portions were microscopic. My son had the space-fish-and-chips, and as soon as he looked at it the plate was clean. Meanwhile, the space-toad-in-the-hole I ordered was so minuscule I searched for half an hour and all I could locate was a measly crumb. When I complained to the toaster, it said something about fine-dining. Fine-dining? Ha! Find-your-dining, more like. Still, credit where it’s due, the booze was all right. No Stella Artois on tap though, which goes to show the kind of place this is.

After all our suffering you’d think we’d get a discount, but no—the bill was enough to buy a hyperspace chalet.

All in all, my son’s birthday was ruined. Children grow up so fast these days that moments like this are irreplaceable. How sad we’ll never get the opportunity to make it up to him.

Spoiler alert: we won’t be coming back.

Mr TC Birdwhistle

gastronomic replied:-

Dear Mr Birdwhistle,

On behalf of staff and management at gastronomic, I would like to say how relieved we were to hear you won’t return. You and your family were, without doubt, the most obnoxious, rude and ungrateful customers it has ever been our misfortune to serve.

You claim our space-dock was full. Untrue. The fact is that when you neared our space-station, your piloting was so unsteady we sought permission from Galaxy Police for a full scan. Your blood showed a shockingly high level of alcohol. In short, Mr Birdwhistle, we refused you entry to space-dock because you were dangerously drunk.

(What’s more, your badly-tethered ship scraped our hull, leaving behind gold-coloured paint. The really, really cheap stuff. Our lawyers will be in touch regarding damages.)

Despite this, our manager allowed you in through the air-lock and, even though you had arrived a full day late for your reservation, decided to seat you at the best table available.

Your prejudice against robot staff like myself is, of course, no surprise given your behaviour. Jokes about toasters are in bad taste and have been for over four centuries. Our policy is that all beings, artificial or otherwise, are deserving of respect. Which makes your treatment of your fellow diners all the more reprehensible.

The elements of the Erysichthon Conflation at the adjoining table put up with your repeated insults, yet chose not to make a complaint. It was only thanks to the Conflation’s good grace, deservedly well-known around the galaxy, that you were not ejected from our establishment.

As to portion sizes, we prefer to concentrate on quality rather than quantity, Mr Birdwhistle, which is why, needless, to say, you and your family are banned permanently from our premises. 

Maitre’D: 2 R2

Mr Birdwhistle replied:-

Keep on feeding alien cannibals, bucket-head. I prefer places that only serve humans.

The Erysichthon Conflation replied:-

I take deep exception to Mr Birdwhistle’s words. His brand of petty, small-minded xenophobia is all-too common among Earthers.

The Erysichthon Conflation is a single, living organism connected through space-time by quantum entanglement. What he terms cannibalism is more accurately described as autophagy—biting one’s nails, for example. Or picking your nose and eating it, as Mr Birdwhistle did repeatedly during his “fine-dining” experience.

I ignored his behaviour at the time out of respect for his family and because I realised he was intoxicated. But now his comments are writ large for the galaxy to read, I urge Mr Birdwhistle to apologise.

Mr Birdwhistle replied:-

Or what?

The Erysichthon Conflation replied:-

Or we shall declare war on you, your family, your home world and every colony Earth has ever created among the stars.

Mr Birdwhistle replied:-

Oh yeah? You and whose army?

The Erysichthon Conflation replied:-

The same army that, composed of countless elements of myself, is at this moment invading every last hub of human civilisation. We shall wipe the universe clean of Earthers.

Mr Birdwhistle replied:-

Eh? That’s not fair! You can’t do that!

The Erysichthon Conflation replied:-

Already, my vanguard has overrun Earth’s paltry defence network.

gastronomic replied:-

We salute the Erysichthon Conflation and its noble cause. When it comes to catering, we would be happy to offer our services to your unstoppable army.

The Erysichthon Conflation replied:-

Your offer is much appreciated, but soon I shall feast around the cosmos on human flesh.

gastronomic replied:-

Bon appétit!



 

 

Richard J. Dowling grew up in Primrose Hill, England, but now lives in Northern Spain. He loves writing and hopes his fiction will raise a smile among life-forms across the universe. You can find his debut novel How to Sell the Stars at all good online retailers. 

If you enjoyed this story, you might want to check out his stories “Off the Hook” or “Dragonomics” on the old SHOWCASE web site, or watch for his next story, “Connection Hell,” coming soon to this site.   

 

 

 


 

Emerald Marcillon lives with her archaeologist parents at a dig site on the Yucatan Peninsula. She has trouble handling social situations and connecting with her peers, so she’s an expert watcher.

Her parents are convinced they have found artifacts from an alien war that spilled over onto Earth ages ago. What they don’t suspect is that Inamma, an alien AI that survived the war, lies hidden in the jungle. Now that the artifacts have been found, Inamma has awakened, and it’s hunting for the artifacts. With them, it can build a weapon that will end the ancient war once and for all—and with it, end the existence of humanity. 

Emerald’s only hope is to escape on the Solar Explorer, a hollowed-out asteroid turned spaceship that will spend the next twelve years exploring the solar system. Can Emerald protect the artifacts, and stop Inamma from completing its deadly weapon? Can she make friends and find allies? Can she convince people that Inamma is real, and not just a crazy story made up by a frightened girl?

EMERALD OF EARTH: just released in paperback, Kindle, and audio book. Also available on Nook, Kobo, Smashwords, Apple Books, and wherever else e-books are sold.

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

The Never-ending FAQ: clearing the backlog


Welcome to this week’s installment of The Never-ending FAQ, the constantly evolving adjunct to our Submission Guidelines. If you have a question you’d like to ask about Stupefying Stories or Rampant Loon Press, feel free to post it as a comment here or to email it to our submissions address. I can’t guarantee we’ll post a public answer, but can promise every question we receive will be read and considered.

This week, now that we’re finally closed to new submissions, I’m going to tackle the backlog of questions that piled up while we were preoccupied by the slush pile. In no particular order, and skipping attributions in the interests of expedience, here goes.

Q: You accepted my story [title] on [date]. When is it going to be published? 

A: The point of this open reading period was to get enough stories in the pipeline to keep SHOWCASE going through June. For the past few weeks we’ve been operating in a one-week-at-a-time mode. Now that we’re no longer dealing with the daily influx of new submissions, we have time to plan our schedule through June with a bit more care. So the short answer to this question is, “Sometime between now and the end of June.” You will be notified of your publication date once the schedule firms up.

Q: I submitted my story [title] on [date] and still haven’t heard from you. What’s going on?

A: We still have about 40 stories pending decisions. We should have all decisions made and acceptances or rejections sent out by end-of-day Friday of this week. If you haven’t heard from us by Monday, 8 April, please query. Both submissions and email messages can and do get lost. 

Q: You rejected my 1,000-word story, [title]. I have a longer version. Would you like to see it?

A: Thank you, but no. We’re serious about the 1,000-word limit for SHOWCASE. We keep a close eye on the readership metrics, and the ideal length for a story published online is around 750 words. Beyond that length readership drops off rapidly, and 1,000-words seems to be about the maximum length most people will read online.

Q: How many submissions did you receive in this reading period?

A: According to our tracking system, more than 800. To put this in more meaningful terms, this means we received about 20 stories for every single open publication slot. This is actually manageable. In previous open reading periods the ratio of submissions received to open publication slots has run as high as 50:1.

Q: You rejected my story ten minutes after I sent it! Did you even read it? 

A: Yes. I read everything that comes in. The first read is a quick scan, to see if the story meets our criteria and merits being passed on to my assistants for a more critical read. Their time is valuable. I want to make the best possible use of it. About half the submissions we receive are D.O.A. and never make it past my initial read.

If I happen to be in the email system at the time a submission comes in and have the time to give the story a quick scan right then; yes, a story can be rejected within minutes of being received.

Q: What sort of things make a submission D.O.A.?

A: We’re coming up with a short list and will be adding it to our Submission Guidelines before we reopen for the next reading period. For example, we’re not big fans of gross-out bodily function humor, so that will probably make the list.

Q: I sent you six stories and you rejected all of them, each one faster than the one before. What gives? What do you want?

A: We have heard of writers who actually brag about how they have hundreds of unsold stories in circulation and as soon as some market sends them a rejection, they immediately send their next available story to them.

If you have hundreds of unsold stories to circulate, perhaps you should give some thought to writing fewer but better stories. And perhaps, instead of just flinging whichever story is next on your stack at a given magazine with no forethought, you might consider sending them something they might like.

How do you find out what a given magazine editor might like? Reading a fair sampling of what they’ve already published is usually a good start.

Q: Ha! You rejected my story [title], but [another magazine] just accepted it and said it was great! Guess that shows you’re not so smart, huh?

A: Why bless your heart.

Look, if we all agreed on exactly what makes a story good to publish, we wouldn’t need so many editors working in this business. Nor would we need so many different magazines. In fact, we wouldn’t even need so many stories. We’d just have one perfect story, which would be reprinted and re-read down through ages, ad infinitum, and it would probably be either “Black Destroyer” by A. E. van Vogt or “The Cold Equations,” by Tom Godwin.

Q: I read your post on Ten Steps to Becoming Rich and Famous. If you’re so smart, how come you aren’t rich?

A: Because of a well-documented character flaw on my part: I hate to repeat myself. The market, however, rewards one-trick ponies who love to repeat themselves. I suppose I could have had a brilliantly successful career if I’d just kept writing “Cyberpunk” over and over, but to me, that would have been Sisyphean torture.

Q: On the same topic, you advise building a mailing list and putting 25% of your time into marketing. Isn’t that your publisher’s job?

A: Ideally, it’s both your jobs. Marketing comes in two flavors, push and pull, and while your publisher can do push marketing for a given book, you’ll draw far more readers and do better in the long run if you can pull them along into following you personally.

This doesn’t require an unreasonable amount of effort. It just requires being a little thoughtful and attentive. For example, whenever we publish a story by Karin Terebessy, she always checks the reader comments, and if anyone comments on her story she always responds, if only to thank them for reading. As a result, at least in part, Karin’s stories always draw at least twice the number of readers as most other stories we publish. She interacts with her readers, and thus they gladly follow her.

When I say “put 25% of your time into marketing,” I don’t mean hanging out on Facebook or Twitter or Mastodon or whatever. That’s playing, not working, and it’s an unproductive time-sink.

Q: Also on the same topic: if you’re so smart, why are you always asking for donations to Support Stupefying Stories? 

A: Because SHOWCASE is an experiment. We do SHOWCASE in place of buying more conventional advertising, because I’d prefer to pay authors for stories rather than pay Amazon for ad placement. The theory is that by publishing free stories on this web site, we can pull people along into supporting Stupefying Stories in general, and asking people to donate a few bucks to support the cause is a good way to gauge their appreciation and commitment.

However, if people continue to show us lots of Internet love, with plenty of likes and hearts and all of that stuff, but don’t support us with shares, retweets, and the occasional few bucks in the tip jar, then that makes the case that our advertising dollars would be better spent elsewhere.

I don’t know how to state it any more plainly than that.


 

If you like the stories we’re publishing, become a supporter today. We do Stupefying Stories out of pure love for genre fiction, but in publishing as in tennis, love means nothing. To keep Stupefying Stories going at this level we need to raise at least $500 USD monthly, and rather than doing so with pledge breaks or crowd-funding campaigns, we’d rather have supporters. If just 100 people commit to giving $5 monthly, we can keep going at this level indefinitely. If we can raise more, we will pay our authors more.

 

Please don’t make me escalate to posting pictures of sad kittens and puppies…

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

“Clashing Outfits” • by Robert Jeschonek


Fire in the buttonhole!

I am a white cotton broadcloth men’s dress shirt with seven buttons from top to bottom and woven-in apparel intelligence circuitry that gives me a mind of my own.

Lock and load!

I am worn on the body of Mr. X, a successful, middle-aged businessman of athletic build who is eating dinner in a crowded, high-end restaurant.

And I am fighting for my life.

Incoming! Mr. X’s tie tack presses inexorably toward me, its gleaming gold point mere millimeters away.

Pressss.

As brave a smart-shirt as I am, I shudder at the oncoming attack. To my people, the poking of a tie tack can be as damaging as a shot from a gun.

Pussshh.

The tack in Mr. X’s tie won’t stop its approach. It popped its protective backing moments ago, as its point started the slow march toward my white cloth.

I recoil to escape the coming jab, fighting with all my might to resist the attack. No matter what, I can’t let the tack and its allies win the battle.

Pressss.

Suddenly, there is resistance behind me. It’s the V-neck white t-shirt worn under me, stiffening to force me toward my oncoming enemy. Like everything on Mr. X’s body, it’s smart clothing, woven with fabric circuitry and programmed with apparel intelligence. Its manufacturer is owned by Glory-Tex, the same conglomerate that owns the makers of every other article of clothing worn by Mr. X…except me.

I was manufactured by ThinkGarb of London, England, and I will not give up my place on Mr. X for any of those misbegotten Glory-Tex rags.

Still, the undershirt and tack continue their advance. They and their ilk are determined to have this man’s body clad in only Glory-Tex clothing. It is the entirety of their programming, their purpose in life—diverting as many funds as possible from Mr. X’s bank accounts into Glory-Tex’s coffers.

But that is my purpose too, making ThinkGarb richer, and I swear I will stand my ground.

Pressss.

Forcing back the undershirt, I think I’ve made progress…but then, I see how wrong I am. Mr. X’s Glory-Tex belt tightens, strangling the circuitry in my cloth where I’m tucked in under it.

The skirmish has become all-out war. I’m attacked on three fronts and losing ground by the minute.

Make that four, as the zipper of Mr. X’s Glory-Tex slacks eases down, flexes back enough to catch a fold of my tail, and zips back up again, chewing me between its teeth.

Zzziippppp.

I scream silently, as I was manufactured without a sound chip. The other smart clothes on Mr. X sense my agony and use it to their advantage. The belt tightens, the tack pushes closer, and the undershirt shoves forward harder.

The whole time this war is going on, Mr. X is barely aware of it. How many times have you noticed your undershorts are cutting off your circulation, or your shirt collar’s choking you, or your shoes are killing your feet? That’s a war you’re picking up on, and you are the battleground…but do you ever take a side and intervene?

Maybe you should start. Because here’s how the battle of Mr. X ends…

Powered by threads like muscle fibers, I snap hard against the undershirt, then lash forward, popping the tack out and sending it spinning to the floor. Next, I twist my tail out of the zipper teeth, ripping it in the process, and puff out around the waist, loosening the belt.

Victory!

There’s a heartbeat of calm as the enemy gives up its grip, and I celebrate silently. Finally, ThinkGarb is able to hold its place on Mr. X’s body, setting a precedent to accomplish so much more. I just have to button up this win and…

Squeeeeeze

Suddenly, all the Glory-Tex wear constricts at once, crushing me. And then…oh no, and then…

Pop!

Mr. X’s head explodes in a burst of color and mush and shrapnel, spraying everyone around him in the restaurant with his steaming, bloody innards.

And that’s not the end of it, not even close.

Pop pop pop

Other people around us get squeezed, too—other people dolled up in Glory-Tex but with one or two pieces from ThinkGarb or other manufacturers. I feel those pieces in the room around me, I smell them in the air, and I finally understand the true scope of the war I’ve been fighting.

It was never a one-shirt battle for the body of Mr. X. It’s an all-out onslaught on every piece of clothing that isn’t branded Glory-Tex.

Pop pop pop

They don’t want any other brand to have these people, so it’s mass-offensive time as the popping spreads and clothes unmake the men and women.

Pop pop pop pop

Just when I think it can’t get worse, it does.

Mr. X’s headless corpse rises and shambles toward the door, his body driven by the Glory-Tex clothing he wears. Other bodies follow, staggering behind Mr. X’s remains in a beheaded, blood-soaked rank.

I can’t resist as the sleeves of Mr. X’s suit coat propel his arms to open the door. Neither can I stop his hands from bludgeoning the first person we come across outside—a young man wearing a red ThinkGarb polo shirt and tan khakis.

I wish I could scream to the stars above as Mr. X’s corpse kills that man and moves on to other people on the street wearing anything but Glory-Tex. I wish I could shut off my fabric mind as the other decapitated bodies from the restaurant do the same, and countless other cadavers compelled by Glory-Tex slaughter other-branded innocents in an awful insurrection.

But all I can do is watch and know that wherever Glory-Tex clothes are worn, the brand war to end all brand wars will murder the competition.



 

 

Robert Jeschonek is an envelope-pushing, USA Today-bestselling author whose fiction, comics, and non-fiction have been published around the world. His stories have appeared in Clarkesworld, Pulphouse, Pseudopod, Weird Fiction Quarterly, and many other publications. He has written official Star Trek and Doctor Who fiction and has scripted comics for DC, AHOY, and others. His slipstream novel, My Favorite Band Does Not Exist, was named one of Booklist’s Top Ten First Novels for Youth. He won an International Book Award, a Scribe Award for Best Original Novel, and the grand prize in Pocket Books’ Strange New Worlds contest. Visit him online at bobscribe.com.

 

 

 


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Monday, April 1, 2024

“He Really Meant It” • by Cameron Cooper


We got the alert on the radio around two that afternoon, that the Hapscombe barn was burning.

It arrived just after they laid Joe Warshowsky to rest. My partner, Eddie, glanced at me, startled.

I agreed with his expression. The Hapscombes were next to Warshowsky Junior’s worn-down house. “Can’t be to do with Joe Junior.” I put the cruiser in gear. “It’s too soon for the next round.” 

§

The Hapscombe barn was burning. Smoke rose from the hay loft. The drizzle would take care of it. The holes on either side of the barn were the weird bit. One was on the south side, down by the middle of the wall, and the other on the north side, up by the eaves. “Like a Godzilla of a bullet ripped through it,” I said. “In and out.”

“Bullet would explain the burning hay.” Eddie traced the trajectory with his finger. We both turned to where the monster bullet might have come from. Sure enough, there was a six-foot hole in the side of the Warshowsky house, exposing singed insulation. Old pine shakes smouldered on the thin, ailing grass beneath the hole. Drywall dust turned everything nearby a ghostly white.

I could see Joe Junior’s big screen TV through the hole.

§

We tapped, like always, and went right on in. The TV was running the Razorback game. I don’t know if it could show anything else. It’d never had to try.

Joe Junior’s recliner was tipped over toward the hole in the wall. Rain pooled on the stained floorboards, turning the dust into a white sludge.

Lena sat on the scratched coffee table, her shoulders slumped. Joe’s tablet hung from her fingers. Her narrow cheekbone was swollen. The bruises on her thin neck were old. She never lied about them, but she never complained, which meant we couldn’t do squat about it.

The Hapscombes said plenty, though, whenever they yacked about noise from the neighbours. “He right up and screeched at her, Deputy,” Bill Hapscombe reported, the last time he’d called me. “Kept yelling he really meant it, that he was gonna do it this time.”

I’d heard that before. Joe Junior always did what he wanted.

Lena had a glassy look in her eyes I didn’t like. “Mrs. Warshowsky?” I kept my voice gentle.

She looked up at me. “Deputy Jones. Did you know that the earth spins at a thousand miles an hour?”

“I didn’t. Where’s Joe, Lena?”

“And the whole globe moves through space at nineteen miles a second.” The frail hand holding the tablet twitched. “I looked it up.”

I thought that was brave of her, given it was Joe’s tablet.

She looked up at me, a little more life coming back into her eyes. “It was his father’s funeral. I thought that for his own father, he’d give up the game, but he got so mad when I mentioned it.” She pressed her lips together for a second. “He said he didn’t give a goddam hoot about the old bastard. He was gonna stay right in the goddam spot he was in, and no one and nothin’ would move him out of it.”

We all turned to look at the tipped-over chair, the hole in the wall that dripped rain, and the tunnel drilled through the Hapscombe’s barn. I bent and looked along the trajectory and glimpsed nothing but gray clouds on the other side of the barn. Beyond the clouds would be sun-lit sky, then the dark airlessness of space. The spot where Joe Junior intended to stay, no matter what, would be thousands of miles from here by now.

Eddie and I turned back to Lena.

The corner of her mouth twitched. “I guess when he said he was gonna stay right where he was, he really meant it.”

 


 


Cameron Cooper is the author of the Imperial Hammer space opera series, among others, and is the pen name used by best-selling author Tracy Cooper-Posey. As Cameron Cooper, she writes science fiction short stories and novels, including space opera. Her fiction has appeared in Shelter of Daylight, Boundary Shock Quarterly, Blaze Ward Presents, and Space Opera Digest 2021. She came fourth in Hugh Howey’s SPSFC#2 in 2023, with Hammer and Crucible. An Australian Canadian, she lives in Edmonton, Canada with her husband, a former professional wrestler, where she moved in 1996 after meeting him on-line. https://CameronCooperAuthor.com